Nope

Last night the guy was online. He's still being an ass. I was sort of hopeful because I texted him using my pet name for him and he wasn't hostile or anything. Silly me.

I went to bed relatively early. I was fast asleep when 1:30am rolled around and my phone was tweeting at me. (The indication that I got a text message.) It was the same ol' "wanna fuck?" text that he's been trying for the past several weeks. I tried very hard to roll over and fall back asleep but I was furious. I replied, "already did. sleeping. interview tomorrow." Then he replied, "good 4 u." Not sure if he was being sincere or not but somehow doubting so I sent, "I try." A couple minutes later he texts, "well?" I told him not if he didn't care about me. He said he hasn't changed so I said "then I guess you've got your answer."

It pissed me off so badly that I actually got up and turned on the computer. I sent him another email. He wrote back (way too soon I might add) "sux2bu." Jerk. I replied at first thanking him for so thoughtfully answering back. Then added that it must really suck to be him. But since he was being an ass and I wrote a moderately sized email telling him what I felt, I was tired again and went back to sleep.

I was sort of pissy all day today since my sleep was so rudely interrupted. I made it to my interview fine and got the job. I was happy about that. I even texted him after to say so. I'm not sure why.

So I sent him another email today. I basically said that it was pretty clear that his defensiveness over me saying that I love him is obviously more deeply rooted than our relationship. He must have something else going on that has nothing to do with me. Maybe he had a bad experience in the past that he hasn't properly dealt with. I don't know. Anyhow, I know that until he resolves whatever internal conflict he happens to have with love, I don't stand a chance.

Basically, after doing some personal reflection of the situation, I determined that I'm not the problem. He'd said that I'm not like the girls he usually dates and I take that as a compliment. He called the last one a bitch and stupid so if I'm not like her that's a good thing. I was really hoping that maybe it would click in his mind that the reason is that I'm the one. Maybe that's reaching a bit. Still, I've seen guys who date lots of women and fuck around a lot and when they do settle down, it's because they found a girl different than all the rest. Someone who truly understood them and didn't put up with their shit. It's like a wake up call to these guys and they know that's the girl for them. Maybe this guy is pressing the snooze button because he's not quite ready to wake up yet.

At any rate, life is too short for all this bullshit. I've tried getting over this guy but he won't let me. He keeps coming back to me. I've decided to take a stand in order to preserve my own piece of mind and well-being and not just have casual sex with him. I love him. The sex was good because we both cared. If he insists now that he doesn't care, I can't and won't have sex with him.

I realize that he's either going to resolve whatever issues he's facing, swallow his pride, and admit that there's something there or he won't. As much as I hate the idea that he won't, I can't put myself through this shit anymore. It's frustrating. It sucks that I do love him and he insists on being an ass. (lol. In the email I told him that he's acting like an ass with hemorrhoids and that hopefully they go away soon.)

This whole love thing really sucks. Love is a great feeling but if it isn't returned or even accepted, it's the worst feeling in the world.

Calmer Waters

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday about the man that I love. It was very bizarre. In the dream, he was madly in love with an Asian girl. She was adorable but naturally I hated her because she stole the guy from me. He kept saying that he didn't think I was interested. I found out about this girl because I was reading a book and there was a piece of paper tucked into the cover - a note from her to him. It was all mushy and lovey-dovey and all the things he told me he hated about what I'd said. Apparently he liked her doing it. This made me hate her even more. I recall going to his friend's house, where he was staying, to confront him about it but he was kissing her goodbye. Somehow I snuck in the door behind him virtually unnoticed. I quietly crept to the couch and was lying on it while listening to the friends talking about this girl. It was making me very upset and I think he said he was going to marry her or something. Then the friend noticed me crying on the sofa and lifted it to dump me off. He told me to get out of his house and both he and the guy I love were looking at me with the most disdainful expressions on their faces. Then I woke up.

The dream was absolutely nuts and not really rooted in reality. I paid close attention to how I felt when I woke up. I missed the guy more than ever. My heart felt empty. I was left with the impression that if I didn't let him know that I am still interested that he'd take off and find someone else. It was a horrible feeling. It was in that moment that I realized just how much I still do care about him and want him in my life.

Last night before I went to bed, I unblocked him from my chat. So, now if I'm logged into it he can see that I'm online. If he wants he can start a conversation, too. I already told him that I was hesitant about communicating that way since that's how the major fight started. Oh well, I didn't notice him online at all today anyway.

The dream left me feeling that maybe I should ease up a little bit. So I sent him an email today offering an olive branch. I said that I want to go see a movie with him - which I have a coupon for - if he buys dinner first. Then we can take it to either my place or his. Seems fair enough. I told him to let me know if he doesn't want to so that I can go see the movie alone because I do want to see a particular movie, Invictus.

I really want to be able to have a comfortable relationship with him. I want us both to feel comfortable enough around each other that we can talk, go out, stay in, just enjoy life. My life is better with him in it - when he's not being an asshole. Of course, he likely thinks I'm being a bitch now so I guess we're even.

I sincerely love this guy. I could honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I'm going through some "growing pains" in terms of personal growth but if he can weather that we can get through anything. It would be good to have him there with me to believe in me and not let me give up on myself.

In any case, I hope the email does have some sort of positive result with him. I don't want to have a life without him but I want him to appreciate me.

Troubled Water?

I'll bet you know what song I'm listening to as I begin writing this blog entry.

I'm feeling pretty depressed. Just heavy-hearted, not good enough, disappointed that the one man I loved couldn't love me back, upset that I can't even manage to snag a seasonal retail job, and the list goes on and on.

I seriously thought I was doing reasonably well at getting over the guy. He sexted me again, I ignored it again, then I sent an email letting him know that he seriously hurt me by saying cruel things during an online chat argument. He doesn't seem to understand just what it meant to me when I said that I loved him. Love is seriously all I have and isn't something I just throw out there. I've never felt this way about anyone in my life. Crap, now the tears are starting.

Obviously I still do have deep feelings for him. I don't know what to believe out of all the things he said. At any rate, without an apology I can't see him again. I'm pretty sure it isn't coming. Of course deep down I really wish he would swallow his pride for a moment and surprise the hell out of me. I know he's got it in him. I also know the odds are not in my favour. I miss him every single day.

The rest of my life seems to be systematically falling apart. I've been working on things. I apply for jobs, usually get one interview out of each batch, then they hire someone else. Dealing with the government is so completely frustrating. The rules change daily. Only government employees get a copy of the rulebook and the updates. Trust me, I asked. Talk about a stacked game! So I've been getting enough to cover my rent plus $10 which is supposed to cover food, power, phone, clothes, and everything else. Yeah right. This month I spent the entire $10 on a single chocolate bar that didn't contain soy. I feel like Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory only the shiny gold wrapping doesn't qualify me to do anything special. My mom asked if I had any money and when I said no she gave me $20. I spent it on a bottle of Captain Morgan. Trust me, I needed it.

I'm not an alcoholic. I tried once but it just didn't work out. Way too much maintenance and it's expensive. Also, my grandparents hit the bottle pretty hard and that's pretty much what killed my grandpa at the age of 59. Still, I don't feel there's anything wrong with drowning my sorrows every now and then when nothing else seems to be working.

I can't seem to talk my doctor into giving me a letter for a medicinal marijuana card. She seems stuck on the fact that marijuana is illegal. I don't think she's even tried it - even as a young adult. In all honesty, it's the only thing that can properly treat a crying spell. If I can't stop crying, I only need a little bit and I'm good. It also gives me enough distance from my thoughts to digest them properly. I don't even really get the munchies, depending on the strain I end up with I guess. But considering that at times I'm practically anorexic, is that really such a bad thing? I'm not a pothead. I seriously only smoke up once in awhile. So it makes better financial sense, too.

I feel like such an overall failure. This is the first real shot at writing I've done in awhile. I want to write as a career. At the moment, I don't have much confidence overall much less in my writing. Yesterday I proofread a 22-page thesis for a random follower on Twitter. A thesis. Seriously, I have the ability to write well but can I get an important piece of paper from an accredited educational facility? NO. I feel stupid, though I know I'm not. However, I can't really prove it.

The clouds in my head are thick. I don't feel like I fit in to society as a whole. I can't get a job, I don't know how to get even the basics from the government - I don't even want to be on government assistance. I don't feel good enough for anything. I want to accomplish something in school but that doesn't seem to be happening for me. I'm not good enough for the one guy in the world that I love. I honestly don't want to live anymore at this time. It just feels like I don't belong on this earth.

Whenever I'm passionate about something, I'm told to calm down or shut up. No one wants me to have feelings or opinions. I'm supposed to just settle into the status quo somehow. I've come to loathe that. Maybe I'm not supposed to be here. So why the fuck am I? I can't answer that. All I know is that if/when I ever am near death, please leave me be.

Deep Breath & Cold Weather

Today I woke up to see snow on the ground. I wasn't quite prepared for it. I'd heard it had hit some nearby areas already but as the first one of the season, I let it catch me off guard. Besides, I'd spent the night with the boyfriend at his place so I had other things on my mind. ;)

My boyfriend, on the other hand, is quite prepared and excited for winter to arrive. He had all his winter gear out - some new ice climbing gear, snowshoes. He splits his time between here, where he works, and where his family is. The latter two locations are pretty close together and both have already seen snow this week.

I truly envy those who are enthusiastic about winter and winter sports. I do love ice skating and do it well. I like to ski but haven't in a very long time and would need to rent the gear and buy proper clothing for it.

I do like to be outdoors in the snow - especially since I don't have a full-time job. Even shift work is horrible when the snow flies. Okay any "regular" job is not great period - at least in my experience so far. My point is going to work in the dark and arriving home in the dark makes one think daylight only happens when at work. It used to make me resent work. The only time I used to see the sun in the winter was during smoke breaks - not exactly the healthiest way. (I quit smoking nearly three years ago for good).

The boyfriend and I have sort of an odd, semi-long distance relationship. We seem to connect in a way neither of us can really explain or really need to. I suppose, in his way, my boyfriend is already kind of living independent of one specific location. Most of his stuff is here (not at my place but in this city - maybe one day we'll share a place) but he rarely is. This occurred to me recently because I've been looking to pursue a location independent lifestyle and was wondering how he'd fit into it all. It wouldn't be too difficult because he already sort of does.

When I first began researching location independent living, my idea was to live in an RV. I haven't completely abandoned that thought. There are several benefits to it. The drawback would be where to leave it when I decided to travel overseas or something. Still, I could just size it down some and instead of a B-class motorhome, settle for a C-class or similar which would be basically a van with a bed, possibly a kitchen (sink & stove) and a toilet of some sort.

The most appealing part of the RV plan is that I could explore ways of living more environmentally. Instead of standard gas-powered generators, or relying on finding power hookups at a campground, I could use and store solar power. I really want to learn as much as possible about solar power and living off-grid. What better way than in a vehicle?

I don't like the idea of needing propane gas for the stove either. Maybe it would be okay as a backup in small quantities but there are solar ovens, too. I'd rather find a way to maybe plug in a burner to a solar battery or something or just build a campfire.

I'd also need to be very aware of consumer waste such as packaging. That would force me to choose my purchases carefully and possibly set up some sort of compost system. I'd also want to shop locally - especially at farms or farmers markets. I could save foil to use for solar cooking. I'd have to find ways of re-purposing.

There are several options for environmentally sound toilets. I really dislike the idea of using weird chemicals and having to find a designated dumping station to clean it out. I'd use public toilets whenever possible but otherwise there are compostable waste bags that attach to foldable toilet seats that are sanitary and supposed to not smell. As a female, I'd certainly entertain the idea of one of those pee funnel things.

Of course, gasoline would be my main expense and concern (aside from other potential automotive disasters of course). If I could get a hybrid of some sort that would be way better or even biodiesel. I would do most of my driving at night when there isn't as much traffic. But when I think of it, I'm still not commuting anywhere. Each litre of gas would be used to move toward the next destination. It's certainly no worse than someone driving to and from work. I wouldn't even necessarily be driving every day.

The reason all this comes back to me now (the RV idea) is the snow. It's fall now and likely the best time to purchase an RV. I don't have any money to do so right now. I need to figure out how to make a living with my writing and photography. That's where my focus is at the moment.

Holy Freakin' Rollercoaster!

This has got to be the most stress I've endured in this lifetime so far.

I've hit record lows - all of which I've pulled myself out of and feel stronger as a result. Of course, while in the depths, it's nearly impossible to function let alone believe there's a purpose. The best feeling in the world is when I finally see a tiny positive, then another, then my entire perspective shifts and I tell the darkness to fuck off. It's similar to winning a race or reaching some kind of target or goal. The buzz is usually temporary but when the positive outlook remains, all is good with the world. I can tackle my problems with a strength I didn't have before and I don't take shit from anyone.

That's not to say that things don't bother me and get me fired up and angry when I'm in a positive state. No, I do get furious. In fact, I get riled up and pissed off as would be expected. The difference is that instead of going down the road of feeling that my life is shit and everything happening to me is eating away at me, the opposite happens. My attitude becomes more of a "how dare you" instead of "how could you" when I feel I'm being treated unfairly or given a run-around or like today when I told a government employee that I was being wrapped in red tape. I say, "Fuck you. I'm as deserving as anyone. If your job is to help me, do so." (No, I didn't say that to the government employee. I did say the red tape bit, though.)

I don't go in all guns a-blazing demanding shit. No, my approach is reasonable and I give people the opportunity to do their thing. I must admit though, I really don't deal well with stupidity. I mean, there's a threshold. I've worked in many call centres and had jobs in which I was required to extract information from people that they weren't especially keen to volunteer or that needed some fishing to get exactly what I needed. I am skilled in areas of diplomacy and use these skills - to a point. Then I take names and ask for supervisors because my time and sanity is valuable.

I'm still waitlisted for school. It's like purgatory or something. Anyhow, I'm going down there to discuss the ramifications of removing myself from this wait list. I mean, it's already a week into school and playing catch up isn't what I had in mind for a quality education. Besides, I need to get the deposit back from residence. I wouldn't have put in a deposit had the registrar's office updated my status online in real time. I'll try again next year or just find something better - I mean else - to do. I've been looking into other schools but of course most things start either in September or January. We'll see. I'm exploring other options.

I've been spending a ridiculous amount of time online lately but not for purely leisure purposes. Aside from seeking alternatives to conversing with idiots in government call centres, I've been researching arts grants and habitats. Of course, as a backup I always browse traditional job listings and accommodations. My trip to the Business Link last week fueled more online research into possibilities of a start-up of some sort. There are free resources for people who are un/under-employed that I'm looking into.

I must admit that I'm somewhat torn between doing something traditional in terms of a job or wanting to dedicate all my time and energy into my creative passsions. I mean at this point I need money and am going to have to find some way to generate an income so that I don't rely on the government for money. They aren't so reliable in that respect (and many others but I'm not going on a political rant at the moment). Ideally, I'd find a job where I could be creative and learn skills that would enhance my personal creative pursuits.

You may have noticed that I've added a DONATE button on the right. Thanks in advance if you've got some money to contribute to help me out. These are hurtin' times, my friends. I've used all the money and credit I have available just to live. Now I'm fighting the government while also trying to resolve the school waitlist issue, deal with impending eviction, applying for "real" jobs, and seeking other permanent and temporary solutions.

I realize that times are tough everywhere. I still donate what I can where I can. I'm taking three green garbage bags full of clothes to Goodwill after cleaning my closets & drawers. If anyone in the Edmonton, AB area has a truck or something, I'm also selling my furniture. I've got a twin bed in good condition (I still sleep on it but also have an inflatable bed that's more portable), an IKEA dresser that's in perfect condition - and fully assembled! lol, a computer desk with hutch - it's really functional and attractive but also heavy. I'm willing to negotiate price - especially if you can move it out of here - but realize I do need money. If I don't get money from the government, the eviction notice is dated for the end of this week so I'll have to leave the furniture behind.

Anyhow, I got up early to fight with the government and haven't been sleeping especially well so I'm off for a brief nap while waiting for the supervisor to call back. Then I've got a lot of sorting and packing to do. But hey, I'm not feeling down. I mean that sincerely, not sarcastically. ;)

Not Giving Up

Here it is, what I hope to be a turning point in my life and/or my attitude toward it. I’m not ready to give up on me yet. I’ve got balls – figuratively speaking, though I wish my boyfriend’s balls were within reasonable proximity but that’s a whole other issue. I don’t need to listen to anyone who says I can’t do it. That’s bullshit and its about freakin’ time I call them on it and prove them wrong.

I’ve got brains, talent, and a face for radio – but luckily a voice for it, too. I’m finally ready to get into podcasting. I’ve got to get my ideas on paper, script them, scrutinize them, then record. I need to find interesting topics, guests, sponsors – none of which are intimidating because I know I can do this. I want to feature locals, though I also want to have a global reach. It will be entertaining, educational, and I get to set the rules.

I’m likely not going to make millions doing podcasts. I realize this. In fact, I don’t even have any start-up capital. I do have the equipment and the drive which is a pretty decent start. I know I’ll need some money if I wish to have music on the program and in order to get proper business permits and such. For that, I have some other business ideas.

I absolutely love dogs and have a lot of experience walking and caring for them. I don’t have one of my own but I consider my parents’ dog, Mocha, mine. She’s my girl. I got her aquainted with the neighbour dogs and now they’re great friends. I have sort of a natural talent with dogs. They listen to me and respect me. I love hanging out with them and seeing their unique personalities. So I’m thinking I should start an actual business caring for dogs when people go on vacation or even while they’re at work. I’d love to learn and become a certified dog trainer but again funds are limited and there’s nothing local. I could take a correspondence course but I don’t really want to learn by reading about it. Plus, I lack the discipline. I prefer to get in there and get the instant reaction from the dog. That’s the whole point.

Another business idea I have is to meet up with people for coffee or whatever just to chat. This would be a great service for people new in town or seniors or people who just don’t get out much. Definitely not a dating service at all! Some people are just too busy to meet people or just don’t know what’s available locally. This way, they get a personal tour guide or someone to just bitch to about having a bad day or whatever. Not everyone can afford a therapist, nor do they want one. Some people just need an objective point of view on things and sometimes even friends won’t give them one. This idea really has legs, I think. I’ve got a name and everything – even a preliminary website. There’s a niche market for it.

I’m also looking into other career options as any or all of the above would likely only afford part-time work and/or income at best to start. I’m looking into taking first aid and then possibly an EMR course.

2 Weeks

August has been one of the most stressful months of this year so far. The driving cause is school. Basically I took a huge gamble and decided that I'm willing to commit two years of my life to a diploma in Holistic Health. I applied for the program and to live in residence at the school. I was accepted into rez but as far as the online updates inform me am only waitlisted for my program.

I am relying on student loans 100%. As such, if I don't get into the program, I don't get money and obviously can't live in residence. That will leave me penniless and homeless within two weeks from tomorrow. I can't afford another month in this shitty apartment and will certainly be evicted (hence the 14 days).

My bank account is way overdrawn. I've more than maxed out my main credit card. I am doing my best to pay down another credit card that has given me a temporary reduced interest rate. When card #2 is paid off, I'm cutting it up. I was up to 28.5% interest before they gave me a break.

I filled up my car with gas yesterday and there was a sign on the pumps advertising a public garage sale. I've been looking for something like this all summer! So, for $20 (all of which is donated to breast cancer research) I can rent a stall and sell all my stuff. Awesome! This will give me enough money to POSSIBLY break even.

Today I completed my telephone report for Income Support. I'm not confident that I'll get any money since I had to withdraw $1000 from my RRSP in order to pay some long overdue bills and support myself since the amount I'm getting from them barely covers it. I've spent it all plus my regular Income Support payment and am still struggling.

Regardless of circumstance, I need to move out of this shithole apartment. I've been slowly sorting my clothes, collecting my bottles from around the apartment and putting them in the car to take in, throwing shit out, giving stuff away, etc. My apartment doesn't seem any more empty than when I started. Still, I need to step things up a notch. My car is nearly full of empties that I need to take to the bottle depot. I have two garbage bags full of used clothes to donate and one of toys. I have two boxes of books and movies I need to take to the used bookstore in hopes of selling. I still have a lot more clothes to go through and haven't even gone into my cupboards.

I need to keep track of services I need to cancel - like electricity, home phone, get the mail forwarded to my parents' house. I can't live there but can store a limited amount of personal belongings there and can retreive the mail from there since I can't afford a post office box.

I've been stressed to the point of immobility - something I vowed I wouldn't allow but had no control over. The school doesn't seem to take into consideration that my entire future is barely hanging by a thread and that my only redemption is completely up to them. It almost makes me wonder how many other people have considered suicide waiting for an answer. Surely it isn't something they track.

A Reason

There are moments in life that amaze me. That’s likely all that keeps me going. Particularly such a moment that feels like somehow the universe is all in perfect alignment. There’s no possible way it could be a coincidence, only something that was absolutely meant to happen.

I had such a moment today. A friend and I were on our way back to his place when we saw fluorescent pink signs leading to a garage sale. The first thing that came to mind is that maybe it would be better not to go since it would just be other peoples’ junk. But one person’s junk is another’s treasure. I have also been looking for a low cost bike and had no luck at the local bicycle commuters’ society. So we decided to take a look.

They did have a couple of bikes there but they weren’t what I was looking for and had seen better days. We browsed a bit and I caught a glimpse of a bookshelf under a tarp. I hesitantly lifted the tarp a little to see the books. The woman running the garage sale excitedly leapt up and removed the tarp to reveal a bunch of books on the shelf and beside it. She was selling them for fifty cents each and had quite a variety of genres.

I am an absolute book whore. I freely admit it. She was very animated in saying which ones she’d enjoyed the most and asked what we liked to read. I told her that I write and as such like to read a lot and wasn’t too particular about genre. She said she envied me and said she was a teacher. So I browsed and selected books. Another person came along and purchased a lot of books as well.

The woman went to the garage and said she was waiting for some space on the shelves to put out more books as she put a box on the table and started to open it. As she did, she was describing her favourites again and none really caught my interest. When she got to the bottom of the box, she held up a book and looked straight into my eyes and said she was positive it was the perfect book for me. It’s called, “Blue Highways A Journey Into America.” She went on to describe that it’s about a man who’d lost everything, had no money, and decided to embark on a journey around the United States on secondary (blue) highways.
I was astonished and how freakishly accurate she was about selecting this particular book for me. I told her so.
I have no money. In fact, today I went to the bank to take some money out of my RRSP and harassed the government to get their shit together so I could sign what I needed to in order to get my welfare cheque. The premise of this whole blog is that I’d like nothing more than to sell all my stuff and live in an RV. I’ve always had a soft spot for rural towns and ghost towns and anything off the beaten track. I almost always select the secondary highways over the main ones. There’s so much to see that otherwise I wouldn’t have. I also love to take photos and write. There usually aren’t a lot of scenic spots to pull over on a main highway. They were built to get places quickly. I’ve got plenty of time.

So now the wanderlust has been sparked once again. Two years of school seems like a very long time. It doesn’t have to be though. I mean it’s eight months at a time with four months of break in between. I need to work on finding some way to enjoy life where I’m at until I have the means to move forward. Having a skill and a diploma will help me no matter where I end up. I know this program is what I want to do. In terms of school, the time does fly by very quickly.

My Review of Special Edition B60

Shoffee.com

Keurig Special Edition B60

Special Edition B60

Why Brew a Pot for a Cup or Two?

kdub Edmonton, AB, Canada 7/18/2009

 

5 5

Pros: Unique, Smooth Taste, Full Body, Aroma

Best Uses: Evening, Anytime, Afternoon, Morning

Describe Yourself: Simple Tastes, Foodie, Fair Trade Conscious, Frequent Diner, Organic Enthusiast, Eco-friendly, Health Conscious

I got my parents this model for Christmas 2 or 3 years ago. I was cautiously optimistic because my dad is a senior and not always open to change. Luckily, my mom makes bad coffee. (Shh! Don't tell her I said so!)

My dad is a morning coffee guy. He drinks one or two cups while reading the paper and that's about it. So, it was tricky (giving my mom some credit) trying to negotiate how much ground coffee to put in for only half or a quarter of a 12-cup coffee pot, nevermind messing with filter papers or washing the replaceable filter (or forgetting and cleaning the mold). My mom rarely drinks coffee but loves her tea.

They absolutely LOVE their Keurig B60! It's easy to use, uses less electricity, and wastes less time and coffee. It's a breeze to maintain. I've run vinegar through it once a year just to keep it from scaling up. It's great when guests come over because they can offer coffee or tea in a variety of flavours since it's made one cup at a time. In less than a minute, the beverage is made.

In fact, they like theirs so much that they purchased one for my sister and her husband this past Christmas. They were equally impressed. Each of them have different coffee preferences - he prefers something dark and bold and she prefers something more medium or flavoured. They also host gatherings and love giving people the option to choose what kind of coffee or tea they like.

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Can I Please Enjoy Summer Now???

I've been feeling like crap for about four weeks now. I mean flat-out, physically drained. I just finished reading a book called, "The Yeast Syndrome" - yeah, not the sort of thing one picks up for a light read. Apparently it seems to be THE long-standing (circa 1985) bible on the subject of candidiasis. I managed to pick it up at a hospital fundraising used book sale. Why? It's TOTALLY applicable to my current physical condition.

Without all the unnecessary, gory details, I'll just say that it goes way beyond a typical yeast infection. It's what happens when for whatever reason the yeast takes over your entire body and your immune system just can't fight it off. In extreme cases, perfectly sober people can seem drunk without so much as a sip of alcohol. I don't think it's that bad in my case but that would be a bit too close to death for my liking.

Contained in this book is a suggested diet or as they call it a "Celebration of Healthy Eating." The purpose of it is to first of all stop being a good "host" and starve the yeast of its favourites - mainly more yeast (including beer, bread, and such) and sugar (from all sources including honey, fruit). The first phase really sucks and is the most brutal of all. The book even says to expect to feel like shit for awhile due to Herxheimers' Effect which is the name they've given the cell death of excess yeast. I mean this stuff has taken over much of the body so there's a lot of it to kill off. Diet alone isn't necessarily enough - which is why I have made an appointment with my doctor. But I figure the least I can do is take whatever steps possible to help.

Anyhow, this diet has four phases. I'm halfway through the first phase. I'm allowed to eat meat, eggs, veggies, and yogurt. Absolutely no sugar or honey or molasses or corn syrup or stuff like that. I have used artificial sweetener on occasion which the book says is okay. The yogurt is supposed to be plain - as in not just vanilla, as in NO flavour. I don't know if you've ever tried it, but it tastes like shit. I figure since this book is at least 20 years old, I'd opt for the sugar free flavoured yogurt available - most of which is fortified with probiotics.

Just something about me personally that makes this difficult - I REALLY hate restrictions. I don't like going to the dentist because you can't eat for like an hour afterward. Not that I'd be hungry, but the fact that I can't makes me want to eat or drink just because everyone else has the freedom to do so. As such, I haven't been eating much at all. Besides the fact that I suck at cooking for the most part and have no imagination in terms of recipes and the like, I just get frustrated at the thought of eating and often don't. I know it's bad. I've been anorexic - like borderline scary-skinny kind of anorexic.

Back to this diet... For two more weeks, it's MEVY (meat, eggs, veggies, yogurt). Today I said "screw it" and decided that probiotic cheese is okay. The course of the diet is supposed to add certain foods to each step so that the body is sort of re-introduced to them and therefore not threatened by them. Allergies are a potential symptom of yeast infestation so I'm hoping that maybe I'll be able to eat like a regular person in the end. For example the diet says I can eat tomatoes now but I've been allergic for a couple decades so I'm not even going to try adding them until phase three or four. Soy is my most recent and violent allergy which has only come to my attention in the past year or so.

But diet alone likely isn't enough as I'm finding out. I will need some kind of anti-fungal/anti-yeast medication - the book favours Nystatin. Also, as a result of the multiple allergies - food and environmental - I may need to get an injection. I forget the details and will have to look it up and write it down before I see the doc, but there are three medications that are injected that seem to do the trick for life. Fingers crossed on that.

Today it occurred to me that feeling like a 90-year-old at a third of that age is ridiculous. The primary reason is likely that I haven't been eating enough. So, I've decided to embrace the restrictions and eat as best I can within them. Not eating enough means I'll never get the energy I need. I'll always feel tired. I hate feeling that way. I shouldn't need an afternoon nap.

I do sincerely hope my doc has some updated information that will make this process way easier. I seriously WANT to exercise. It sucks to be winded after a five minute walk in which I wouldn't have broken a sweat before. I want to feel healthy.

I think the PRIME contributor to all this has been STRESS. If you read my last post, you understand that I've been going through a LOT of crap lately. So, on top of fighting for financial survival, I've literally been fighting for my life.

Gratefully I got the finances sorted out. I will be getting some money from Social Assistance for this month and likely next. I've decided that school is the best option for me in September and plan to apply next week for the program and to live in residence. I've been pre-approved for a loan. I have an interview for a part time job this weekend. I am allowed to make some money while receiving Social Assistance and while receiving Student Loans.

This time I'm going to do school right. I'm applying to the Holistic Health program. It is a very focused, two-year diploma program. I figure by living at the school it'll be better. I'll have less to worry about like transportation, bills (aside from cell phone), I'll have no excuse not to pay attention. I can workout without being concerned about leaving my laptop in a locker. I can study at the library whenever it's open and only be a few steps from "home." In fact, I'd feel guilty NOT studying or taking decent care of myself being in that environment all the time. Also, I'd feel releived to get away for four months in the summer.

I'm not entirely abandoning my dream of living in an RV full-time but do need to put it on hold until I get my resources together. By going to school and actually finishing and doing well, I will have the skills to start a business or contribute where needed. I will never abandon my writing. It is a part of me. In fact, I hope to freelance as much as possible. I'm currently reading a book on successful freelance magazine article writing.

I hit bottom. Then I sunk deeper. Not a whole lot has changed apart from the obvious circumstances. I am stronger. Okay, so I'm still working on the physical strength but am confident that will come. I wouldn't say that I'm a different person. I'm grateful for the strength that has somehow allowed me to perservere through all this crap. Leave it to me to learn the hard way.

My parents still aren't confident that school is the best choice. Oh well. I make the choices because it's my life. Despite the fact on some level a bit of moral support from them would be appreciated, I've learned not to expect it. They've got their own issues. I got to watch them make a bunch of mistakes and such. I simply didn't have a say in their decisions just as they don't in mine. Besides, they analyze me more closely than my siblings because I live the closest. It's convenient. But I get a close-up of their lives too and see it isn't so perfect either.

I've got an education. The school of hard knocks is brutal and I'm like some kind of graduate student by now. It builds character, though, and I wouldn't have expected any less. I've known most of my life that I am and would be a writer. The life of a writer is brutal. Any writer who's had it easy likely isn't that great of a writer. Journalism school was the first time I'd heard of how a writer must develop a thick skin. It's true.

Batshit Crazy

Right, well the government told me to get a job. If I could do that, I would have one. After playing phone tag right up until the end of the day on Friday, the bitch at the Employment and Immigration office seems to have conveniently forgotten that it's her turn, she's "it." I would've called only I was fairly certain that I'd say something completely off-colour and really fuck things up for myself.

Like... "You'll have to excuse me, I was actually BORN in this country and DID NOT get a GOVERNMENT JOB because of my MINORITY STATUS." Or "Maybe the reason your university-aged daughter found work at the mall is because she's likely a size 0, 18-year-old bitch who's obsessed with fashion and treating people like crap."

I've only discovered that things can ALWAYS get worse, much worse.

That said, if I live to fuck another man, I will NEVER, EVER even so much as sleep with a guy who has a child. They are the worst. Well, tough call actually, men just suck in general. But a man with a child(ren) is guaranteed never to see anyone but his child(ren) as number one. I guess that's why single parents come in both male and female varieties and are destined to be together. They fucked up one relationship for certain, if they're going to do it again, may as well make a real mess of it. I don't know why they even pretend well enough to get into my pants because it's clear they never want me to meet said child(ren). They pretend to be all caring and nice but then they seem to think the relationship is progressing and - wait! I don't want my family and/or child/ren to meet this bitch! Even worse when he says so, then realizes how mean it sounds, then goes back to pretending, then really can't handle reality.

Not that it matters right now because I can't even fuck. I'll spare you the gory details, but my health has deteriorated and I'm out of commission south of the waistline in that respect. I also am attempting some ridiculous diet to supposedly reset my immune system. I started that today. Well, instead I just opted not to eat at all. Fuck it. I'm supposed to be eating Meat Eggs Veggies & Yogurt. No coffee, no other milk products, no sugar, no fruit, no alcohol, no bread - certainly nothing with yeast. Fortunately I can't really afford to eat anyway. I made the mistake of buying these delightful-looking colourful veggie soups which, on closer inspection, contain yeast. So, I can't even buy the right fucking groceries apparently. So, WHY BOTHER?

Okay, so I was reasonably convinced that I'd hit bottom by going to the Social Assistance office to start with. That was, until the uber bitch (referenced above) decided that I wasn't worth helping at all. I did what was asked of me and got a note from my doctor saying that I am unable to work for a couple months at least. This is what incited the phone tag. I initially met with uber bitch the day before Canada Day. My rent was due (still is, obviously) and I felt I was out of options. When I'd initially called Social Assistance after having been laughed at by EI (Employment Insurance), I was told that they were required to help me no matter what. There must've been some small print or something that I missed.

For the record, I have been checking the Job Bank almost daily and sending out resumes to anything I'm remotely qualified for. I did get one response and set up an interview in the middle of the month for a part-time reception job. At least it's something, right? It won't pay the rent, but hey, what will? Nothing apparently, which is why I really have to get rid of everything I own and start living in my car. I'm not even kidding.

My landlady is not so patiently waiting for the rent. I called and explained that I was in the middle of some kind of arguement with the government. She said she'd verify the rental amount if that was needed.

My physical health issue leaves me with the endurance of a 90-year-old. I need to nap about three hours after waking. Each nap lasts a minimum of five hours. I wake up in a cold sweat whenever I wake from a night's sleep or a nap, wondering why I'm still alive. At the very least I can take comfort in the fact that my body will decompose quickly.

I've been staving off a mental breakdown for I don't even know how long now. Once it hits, time becomes pretty irrelevant. So, here I am, batshit crazy, just got in a HUGE fight with the first guy who told me he liked me - which I accused him of pretending. That would be the guy referenced in the paragraph swearing off men with kids. He'd already taken me to a movie a few weeks ago, drove me home, and dumped me saying that I wasn't good enough for him and that he really didn't want to introduce me to his kid and/or family (parents, siblings, etc.). He says I'm too messy and that being messy only represented lack of self respect & shit. (I never told him I had self respect). He felt a bit guilty afterward I guess because then he started being all nice to me again. What the fuck? We were supposed to spend the entire day together today - he works out of town every other week and told me he'd be spending most of this week with his daughter. Fine, so I called today and he didn't bother answering. So I sent him a text saying maybe he was right and that I'm not worth his time. Then had a nap and slept through a couple of his attempts to call back.

Tonight he wrote me some kind of nasty email via Facebook and was chatting with me on there. Thanks a fucking lot. Something about him not being able to deal with me right now. It seems the more you need people in your life, the more excuses they find to ditch you. Then he even offered to drive me to the hospital - which couldn't have been entirely sincere since eventually he said he had to sleep and left. So yeah, while chatting with him, I finally broke down. I'd fallen asleep crying when I went down for my nap but now, I'm officially batshit crazy.

I honestly don't think men realize exactly what kind of impact they have on women. I have already come to the conclusion that they are not capable of love. It simply isn't possible for them. Even so, aside from just physically, they fuck women up. Badly. Then, they walk away as if nothing happened.

I fell in love with a man once. He called me a cum bucket.

I don't know what to do now at any rate. It seems whatever I do seems to get me into more trouble. I may just wander naked in the rain just so I can feel. I don't fucking know. What's the use in going to the hospital? I'm sure there are people in there bleeding to death who actually want to live. Last time I went, I waited well over 7 hours to be seen by a doc who gave me a stretcher in a hallway in the emergency room to sleep on for the night. That was pretty nice actually, save for all the pregnant women that were whizzed by me in wheelchairs periodically who were ready to drop spawn at any given moment. I wasn't even required to wake completely for the hourly blood pressure checks "just in case." Huh, I never did get my giant bottle of aceteminophin back. Well, that was the last time I went on my own.

There was an incident over a year ago when I decided to take a roadtrip to the mountains but they wouldn't take me. "They" being the mountains. The mountains didn't want me. So, I was taken by ambulance to a local hospital, then a not-so-local hospital where I was locked up in a tiny room for the night. I'd never been so scared in my life. I hated it there. Somehow I convinced the doc in the morning to let me go so I could leave that city. That city hates me, too, I'm convinced. Most of the people there do anyway. I mean, I just don't belong on this planet in general, but I think the people of that metropolis hate me more than those of my own (if I can call this "my" place).

I don't feel that anyone wants me here - here in this world. I'm not supposed to have enough money to survive on. I'm not supposed to enjoy life. I'm never going to amount to anything anyway. I know they aren't actually allowed to say so, but I'm convinced that everyone just wants me to die. I personally don't think that's such a bad idea. I mean, what's the point in living? I will never find love (men don't love), I'm destined to fail, the government won't give me the temporary assistance I need to get back on my feet (because I'm infertile and not a minority). I'm sick of slipping through the cracks into the great unknown. It never works to my advantage.

One of These Days

Last night I got a call from my friends* over at AMEX. Apparently it's been awhile since I last paid my bill. I simply acknowledged that I was aware of it but that I have no money. I said that the bums in the alley likely have more money than I do. She asked if I was unemployed. I said I was. She asked if I was looking for work. I explained that I've been sending out resumes all over the place and the only responses I've received were to let me know the positions had been filled. I also said that there was some craziness going on with EI leaving me to wonder if I'll be getting it or not. It's very confusing. Meanwhile, I've got rent and all my other bills to pay, maybe even need some groceries, so I decided to make an appointment to speak to someone at Social Assistance. I was told that was my final option. Considering it's nearing the end of the month and there are no miracles in sight, I figured that I may as well. So, Ms. Amex said that they have a program for people who are out of work in which they reduce the interest rate (from 25.99%) to 9.99% for six months and therefore the minimum payments are reduced. As long as I am able to make at least the minimum payments for those six months and don't miss any, I'll be okay. After those six months are up, they put the interest back up but not to the 25.99%. During this six month period, I can't charge anything to the card, of course - which is fine by me. I was so relieved! I tried to ask the last person who called from AMEX if there was any way to reduce the rate but she said no.

So, tomorrow morning I have to go chat with someone about receiving Social Assistance. I sincerely hope my luck sustains and I get someone who will really listen and be understanding. I'm NOT lazy! I have been actively seeking work without much luck. I'd really like to start my own business. I think I could do well at online marketing and promotions. I also wish to continue my freelance writing and hopefully make some more money at it. But bottom line is that I need to pay my bills now. That's where Social Assistance comes in. It's a polite and politically correct term for welfare.

There's a lot of psychological conflict that goes along with hitting bottom - getting to the point of relying on government assistance. I'm not the type of person to sit around collecting welfare cheques. I want this to be as temporary as possible.

Today I got a call from a shop in Banff. I'd love to move to the mountains. It would be so inspiring and an awesome place for me to pursue photography and writing as well as get in good shape. My sister lives in a town not too far from there so if I end up getting a job that doesn't have subsidized housing available, I could ask to rent the bedroom in her basement I guess. I'm not sure what her thoughts would be on that, I still have to talk to her. Again, it would only be temporary. Once I got one job in Banff, I'd be able to find others. I wouldn't mind having two jobs for awhile. Many jobs there are seasonal though there are winter seasonal and summer seasonal positions. So there's always work. I have no problem working extra hard so that I can get back on my feet again. I just don't want to feel stuck. I don't think that would even be possible in the mountains.

I've got to seriously get to work on this apartment though. I'll have to treat it as though I'll be moving out at the end of the month - whether or not that is true. I have to decide what to keep, sell, donate, or chuck.

I also have some health issues that I've been working through. I found a book at a used book sale that is exactly what I needed to find. It addresses the issue, explains how it works and how to counteract it, and offers a holistic approach for reinstating homeostasis. That'll be a relief on so many levels! I also plan to see my doctor after I've finished reading the book to discuss it with him and see what he can do to help. The book is from the '80s so there may have been some medical advances since then in terms of this ailment.

Last night I watched the movie One Week. What an amazing movie! It was very appropriate for what I'm going through in life right now. I mean, I don't have cancer or anything but the yearning to live and experience life before dying.

I'm not going to let the dream die regardless of what others say. I know for certain in my heart that it is what I am to do. I am to have adventures and write about them. That is my purpose for being.


*The word "friend" is seeped in sarcasm in this instance.

Got That Out of My System!

So the last post was a little on the negative side. C'est la vie.

My situation hasn't improved a great deal, just my outlook. This is typical. I did have a meltdown a couple of days ago and I think I managed to cry most of it out over a few beers.

Anyhow, the show must go on as they say. I've been trying to make more proactive moves. Monday I called the number that EI gave me for Social Services. They told me that I need to go to a Service Canada/Alberta location and talk to someone. Okay. I kind of planned to do that anyway but at least I have some direction and know that's the place to ask to be enrolled in Social Services while I'm seeking employment. They likely have some resources for starting a business and such, too. My plan is to go tomorrow en route to an appointment with my doctor.

Today I did part of a mystery shopping job. It felt good to get out and do something a bit different. I learned a lot and technically am getting paid $20 for an hour's work. Not t0o shabby. Part two will be done in the morning. Busy day tomorrow!

Good to know I can bounce back reasonably quickly. It always feels like some kind of living hell in the midst of it all. Time slows down and everything seems impossible.

Some main contributors to the renewed optimism have been books. I'm currently reading four non-fiction books. One is more of a graze at best, but that's sort of the purpose of it. It's called "10,001 Ways to Live Large on a Small Budget." Look it up in my Amazon sidebar. It's got a lot of useful tips and handy references. I read it through with a notebook ready to jot down useful tidbits. I also got the newest edition of the Canadian Press Stylebook (since mine is over a decade old and a LOT has happened since then). I'm also looking forward to starting on a book about selling freelance articles to magazines. That's how I hope to make my living.

Last week, I went to the doctor and the hospital foundation was having a huge used book sale in the lobby. I was running late, so I checked it out after my appointment. It was meant to happen that way because they were trying to wrap it up. There were lots of books left and they didn't really want to have to pack them all up so they said, "fill a bag for $1." They were handing out plastic shopping bags but I opted to use my reusable one. I filled it with at least ten books. I got some great ones both fiction and non. I got a Robertson Davies novel, a couple of Stephen King ones I haven't read yet. The biggest score was a medical reference book. It's from the 50's and had newspaper clippings that the previous owner had tucked inside the pages. I love that sort of thing!

On Friday, I decided I needed to get out of my place and take a walk. So I grabbed my camera and wandered around downtown seeking arty things or angles or whatever to take pictures of. It turned out great! I managed to use up the battery completely just as I was arriving back home. I love photography. I like the contrast between writing and photography. Writing is painting pictures with words and photography is telling a story with pictures. In both cases, I seem to have a knack for seeing things in a different way than most which makes for an interesting end result.

Things may not be the greatest right now but I'm still here so there must be something I can do. I've been applying online to every job that seems remotely interesting but haven't heard back from any.

Oh, on my walking and photo taking adventure, I stopped and chatted with an odd, slim man walking a fat dog. I must be approachable because this happens a lot. What I mean is that people come up to me and just start chatting. I don't mind at all. In fact I find it rather fascinating a lot of the time. I also find it amusing that I am rarely asked for money - it must look like I don't have much. But I think the main thing is that I treat people as people regardless of their appearance or circumstance. Everyone has a story. I actually care enough to stop and listen. Sometimes I even wonder what the universe is trying to tell me. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with writing. I've been recently considering hanging out with some of the homeless folks in my area just to see what got them there, how they get through the day, that sort of thing.

My latest internet browsing addiction is "life hackers." Fascinating stuff. I'm talking the likes of Tim Ferriss. If you haven't read "The Four-Hour Work Week" I strongly suggest you do. It's a remarkable book that will allow you to flip your perspective and see things differently. He's working on an updated version. Cool guy. There are many others as well. Too many to list but you can find me on Stumble Upon (kerrilw) and find the links there.

The whole plan of living in an RV is based on the concept of being "location free." I can write, take photos, blog, take video etc. from anywhere in the world with my laptop and an internet connection. I also want to incorporate environmental responsibility by living off grid using solar power and solar heated water. Instead of toilet chemicals I've been seeking other options such as enviro-lets or even cheaper alternatives.

I guess there really is a lot of life left in this gal. I just get really frustrated on occasion when things don't seem to be going as planned or as smoothly as I'd like. There is so much I want to accomplish and one of these days I'll figure out how.

Fuck.

I found out why I haven't been getting any E.I. cheques from the government - apparently I was not approved. Dicks. So, I'm royally fucked.

The owner of the building I live in even left a message saying that I could possibly make a split payment on the rent this month since the cheque bounced and I've lived here for 5.5 years and put up with a lot of shit. I may take her up on it.

I have an interview tomorrow for a temp job. The job itself is for 10 days in July. The pay is decent.

I'm going to really have to get my ass in gear and write like there's no tomorrow. There very well may not be. Hey, Armageddon? Now would be a nice time to show up.

I'm doing my best not to get down. I do expect it to catch up to me but would like to delay the inevitable crash as long as possible. I've been selling possessions one by one to the guy I'm currently seeing. He needed a new monitor so I sold him mine. He needs a laptop so I may sell him my Windows laptop. I need to clean it up and it needs a new battery, though. He may even buy my PC if it's in better shape than his. He said he'll buy my 5.1 computer speakers, too.

I'm considering auctioning off all my stuff online but as previously mentioned will not be using eBay ever again. I was thinking of either listing stuff here or possibly in a new blog. I'd put up a few items per day and start the bidding at like $1 or something. But then again, I don't know if anyone would even read my blog. No one replied about the blue paperclip thing.

Okay, not getting down. Not getting down. Not going to get upset. I'm still alive and have my health which apparently means something to some people.

I was all excited about only spending $30 on groceries yesterday. Of course, at the time I had no idea they were meant to last the rest of my life.

So Many Roadblocks, So Little Time!

I'm not impressed. First, I didn't get my EI payment from the government. I did my part, now give me my money already! As a result, my tenant and car insurance payment was NSF. So, the bank charged me a $40 fee. Thanks. Then, I found out that the apartment managers quit and vacated and somehow the rent cheque I slid under their door last week got lost in the shuffle. I had to put a stop payment on it. The bank charged me $10. I checked my account today and apparently the new cheque I wrote is also NSF because the government still hasn't deposited my payment. Again, thanks a lot. So not only am I completely fucking broke, I am now being hit by a shitload of stupid banking fees and my account is overdrawn beyond my limit. Besides, my landlord is going to want a $25 NSF fee on top of it all. I'm going to dispute it though since I had to pay for them losing my other damn cheque.

I finally managed to close my eBay account. They helped themselves to what I owed them by charging it to my credit card via PayPal - the one that charges 25.99% interest. Thanks a lot. Today I got an email from a survey company that pays me via PayPal saying that they were unable to deposit my money into my PayPal account. I'm thinking this is no coincidence that it's happening right after I told eBay how much I hated them. I was also expecting a payment for blog postings that was due at the end of May via PayPal. That could have saved me from at least one NSF charge.

I hate this shithole apartment! Now I'm likely going to be evicted. Yippie! I'm really not impressed.

My boyfriend came over straight from work. He works out of town for a week and is home for a week. He offered to help me clean my apartment! He was completely serious. I nearly cried. You have no idea what a disaster state it's in. He estimates it would take about 3 days of hard work to get the job done.

Yesterday he took me to the zoo. I'd been pestering him to do so for some time now. I forgot to bring my camera, though! We still had an awesome time. We spent hours there! I told him he has to take me there again because it was so much fun and because I forgot to bring a camera. Afterward, we went to a picnic area nearby. We collected twigs and such and roasted marshmallows. I'd also been bugging him to do that for awhile. It was also a great deal of fun. The area was all wooded with fire stoves and picnic tables in the clearings. Lots of paved and worn paths. It was very much like camping only without the tents. It was good to relax after walking around the zoo all day. Then he took me back to his place and we watched some movies and went to bed. It was the best day I've had in a very long time and I told him so.

One of the movies he'd rented was an indie film called Wendy and Lucy. It was about a girl about my age who lived in her car with her dog. It was very appropriate. The ending was sudden, though and left a lot of unanswered questions. Then we watched Paul Blart Mall Cop after so we could laugh. It was kind of stupid but also funny. It did the trick of cheering me up after crying at the end of the previous film.

I slept pretty much all day. It was overcast and rainy and I was exhausted from the previous day and night.

Since I accomplished very little today, I think I'll spend tomorrow cleaning. I don't have cable (or even an antenna) to distract me. As long as I stay off the computer, I should be okay. I need to do my dishes. Also, I need to go through everything I own and decide what to keep, sell, donate, and dispose of. I'm likely not going to do much of that tomorrow but if I can get through the dishes I'd be pretty satisfied. I will also unplug things I don't use - such as the TV, my old PC, small appliances I don't use every day. I'm seriously considering dropping my land line as well. Most of the calls I get are telemarketers. The important people in my life know my cell number and everyone else knows how to contact me online.

I'm going to have to research different ways of selling things I don't need/use anymore. I may as well sell my TV. I can watch DVDs on my computer. My VHS player doesn't even work anymore. My PS2 is at my parents' house. I also need to unplug my computer monitor because the boyfriend said he'll buy it off me. It's better than the TV - it's a 22" LCD monitor that I got an awesome deal on during boxing day a few years ago when I had a full-time job. Maybe I'll bring my VHS collection to my parents' house. I could store it and/or watch it there. It may even give my parents something to watch if they're bored.

I'm not too sure what I'm going to do in the short term for money. I think I'm going to go down to the government offices on Monday and talk to them about my options. I am thinking of possibly taking an online certificate class in entrepreneurship and small business. All the classes are geared toward my personal goals. I can likely get a grant to cover it if they agree that it's what I need to do in order to find full-time work. Aside from that, I may have to check out the temp agencies that advertise jobs that pay cash daily. I also have some bottles & cans to take in.

As expected, the philanthropy plea was unsuccessful as well. I guess things are tough for many people these days. I am going to grab the tent when I go to my parents' place on the weekend, though. I know they'll never use it. It isn't especially waterproof but if I could get some tarps it would be okay.

I also finally read the blog about the red paperclip guy. I have a bunch of blue paperclips. :) I was thinking I could try to trade up like he did. I don't have a lot of faith in my ability to successfully do so though. Heck, I don't even know if people read this blog. If so, write a comment and tell me what you think. Can I trade my way from a blue paperclip to an RV? Ya never know!

Philanthropy?

I want to try a new approach. First I'll explain why. I've been trying to sell my stuff on eBay and have been completely unsuccessful. In fact that's an understatement. I now owe eBay money for setting up a store with them. Great! I haven't been able to find a way to dismiss the store either. I'll have to figure that out soon. So, I have a brand new hate on for eBay. I've never made money off of it. It's cost me money. It sucks!

I'm not sure how to sell my stuff. I think a local used book store may buy my books and possibly the VHS tapes. Maybe list somewhere else. I have no clue. But I still need to clean up so that isn't even the worst of it.

If I sold all the stuff I want to, I doubt that I'd have enough money for anything including next month's rent. I still don't know how I'll be paying that. I'm going to have to buckle down and pitch some articles to magazines in hopes of making some money doing so.

Anyhow, as far as the RV deal, I still really want to do it. July is later than I'd hoped but still what I'd like to aim for. Maybe I've been watching too much TV while house and dog sitting. In particular, I've been watching Pimp My Ride. So it occurred to me that maybe there are people out there who would be willing and/or interested in helping me out in return for promotion.

If anyone reading this knows anyone who has some sort of (preferably diesel) class C motorhome that is in decent condition that wants to get rid of it for free or cheap or in return for promotion. Then maybe there is someone able to help me convert it to biodiesel. Maybe there are others who specialize in interior custom work or something.

I know there must be people out there looking to help out. There's got to be someone looking to get rid of a trailer they don't use any longer. Everyone can use a little promotional boost. I'm happy to do it. Especially if it means I have a place to live. :)

If you know anyone who may know someone or whatever, send them a link. It may just keep me from living in my car starting in July.

Minor Setbacks

I didn't give notice at my apartment so it looks like I'm stuck here another month. :( I'm still not 100% certain how I'll pay the rent but I'm going to have to put more effort into my eBay store. I have updated my Amazon store so please click the links on the page and buy lots. ;) Or just remember this site when you are going to make a purchase at Amazon and remember you're helping someone live out their dream!

There is some good news! I recently was hired to post occasionally on a blog at http://www.smartcanucks.ca ! Thank you for complimenting me on my writing (and giving me a job of course). I find it very refreshing thinking up new ideas to post! So far it seems well received and I've been getting a lot of positive feedback/comments. This has given me some much needed confidence and I'm now also seeking other freelance writing opportunities.

Today I'm feeling a tinge of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) I think. It's so dark out that I need to have the light on at 6pm! Lately it's been bright enough until 9pm. Oh well. I heard it rain a bit earlier. Hopefully that'll help take care of all the wildfires in the area. I actually do love the rain but the darkness and dreariness seeps into my soul somehow. I've decided not to let it totally ruin my day and have been doing my best to stay upbeat.

I've been checking out RVs online lately from every source I could possibly think of. I'm hoping to start looking at some very soon. I sent an email query about one from Craigslist but haven't had a reply yet. I kind of have my heart set on a Class C motorhome but would consider a Class A if it worked out to be more affordable. The Class B and B+ models are too small and dark for me to live in full-time. Of course, at the rate I'm going it looks like I'll be tenting it for awhile!

I have been slowly working on cleaning my apartment. Ugh! Actually, I had a brilliant plan for attacking the sink full of dishes. It worked extremely well. Two words - baking soda. I swear I have never seen my dishes so clean! That stuff is simply miraculous! I've been using baking soda and vinegar for cleaning lately not only in an attempt to be more green, but because I'm sensitive to a lot of other cleaners. It's also dirt cheap (pun intended) and has been around forever!

I helped my dad plant his vegetable garden last weekend. I'm pretty sure I have him to thank for wanting to get more in touch with the past. Apparently more people are getting into gardening - which I think is awesome. I think there are some things from the past that need to come back again in order for the preservation of life on this planet. Technology is awesome, don't get me wrong, but it should compliment our lives. Gardening is a basic thing that anyone can do that our ancestors did. You know exactly what you're eating if you've tended it from a seed. If, like me, you can't garden (because you live in an apartment or whatever), find someone who does and/or go to farmers' markets.

Motivation and Inspiration

To be completely honest, I have very little (if any, I really haven't determined that yet) moral support for this prospective venture. The most common response is a laugh. I do enjoy making people laugh and have, in the past, suggested outlandish potential job and living situation ideas seeped in sarcasm. When I tell them (after they've calmed down after laughing) that I mean it, I get the strangest looks. Then they say, "No, really. What are you going to do? You need to get a job." I generally leave it at that.

For people who are genuinely interested, (or even somewhat concerned or disturbed at the notion), I tell them what I hope to accomplish and why. People still think the idea is completely nuts and not very realistic. I try to reason that anyone who's ever done anything profound in this world took a chance and had people doubt them and call them crazy. I mean, if Einstein just went along with status quo and accepted the world as it was, we wouldn't have beer today. No, I'm not Einstein, and I realize he came up with a lot more than atom splitting which enabled the possibility of such a revered beverage. Still, the world would not be the place it is today if he decided that everyone and everything was right as it was.

I've also come across the reaction from people that I'm trying to run away from something. I counter that by saying that the complete opposite is true. Being the empathetic type, I can see where they're coming from. If you don't like how things are, you've got to change something or you'll stay miserable. I've learned that lesson many times over. I'm not satisfied with feeling stagnant or stuck or written into a particular role based on whatever.

I love my parents. I live reasonably close to them and see them weekly. Yesterday when I said that I'd dropped out of school, my sister and dad were shocked. I'd already told my mom I was pretty much flunking out and looking to officially quit. I can't even describe the look of disappointment on my dad's face. Graciously he chose not to pursue the matter any further. I funded my education with student loans, so it wasn't like I cost them any money. My parents have done reasonably well in life and both had careers that worked for them. They even have a daughter who went to school and has been in the same career for almost a decade. That daughter isn't me.

Just a quick note about my sister - she's the perfect one. Stereotypes run rampant in my family. In some ways it takes the pressure off of my brother and I that she's fits the cookie-cutter mold. I know it also puts some pressure on her. I am genuinely happy for her and that her life is working out exactly how she wants it to. But that's her. It's how she wants to be so it's how she is and for that I have a great deal of respect for her.

Being the one who lives nearest to my parents means that we're pretty up to date with what's going on in each others' lives. My brother lives on the other side of the country but does call my parents to keep them updated and comes to visit at least once a year at Christmas. My sister doesn't live as far and visits an average of once a month. She also calls the parents regularly. I only call my parents if there's a change in the routine weekly visit or if something really exciting or horrible happens.

Anyhow, my parents have some definite and sometimes bizarre ideas and opinions which have evolved over the years as my siblings and I have become adults. So, I give my parents a lot of credit for giving us that consideration. That said, they didn't always have faith in what we did or who we were until we fought really hard to prove that we had to figure things out for ourselves. Being the eldest I likely am able to best remember this since I got to pave the way. They still have specific ideas about the way things should be and don't hesitate to share them with me most of the time.

Ultimately, I realize, my parents are good people who raised a few good people but still feel responsible for us. My specialty seems to be to learn the hard lessons in life in the most difficult manner possible. As such, I'm sure this causes my parents a great deal of alarm at times. Personally, I feel it makes me stronger. Generally it isn't by conscious decision that things happen in such a way so I've learned to accept it.

I like being referred to as unconventional. It's a compliment. Apparently I do my best thinking outside the box. In some cases way outside it. Recently the box was a series of connected buildings referred to as a post secondary institution.

I learned a great deal at school though none of it was related to any of the course material. I learned that I'm not a bulimic learner - I can't cram a bunch of information that I really don't need into my brain only to be purged later in an exam. I also think too much. I was way more interested in the dynamic change in technology from when I first went to college and my most recent attempt. The internet isn't new anymore, cell phones are commonplace and texting while walking should be banned. Libraries are not quiet, most students bring their own computers to school.

What hasn't changed for me in terms of education is that people are fooled into believing that sitting for an hour or so at a time in class, learning about things that are ever evolving and practically out of date by the time a lesson plan is made, several times a day in different subjects, for a term of however long they've determined it takes to attain a coveted piece of paper that supposedly makes you appear smart doesn't actually mean shit. (Longest sentence ever!)

The newspaper, the actual, physical thing that people still get delivered to their doors or attain through retail sources, is at least a day old when it arrives first thing in the morning. The front page news happened yesterday at the most recent. Post secondary education, aside from practical, hands-on type of programs, is similar in terms of being yesterday's news. Sure there are fundamentals and such and history will always be history.

At this point you're likely wondering what this rant has to do with me aspiring to live in an RV. Basically, as long as I'm connected to the internet, I've literally got a world of knowledge at my fingertips. That's why I don't need school. Besides, I'd rather be known as an independent thinker and an innovator than one who's memorized the most textbooks and has fancy initials after my name. Aside from that, I need to get away from the noise of everyday life.

My life is cluttered. Anyone who's seen or heard about my apartment is more than aware of this. I live in a tiny bachelor suite and there's stuff all over the place. I've decided that I've simply accumulated too much stuff. I look around and see that there is a LOT that I don't use and likely never will again. Beyond that, there's a lot I can do without. It all adds to the noise.

This apartment is located in a shitty neighbourhood which I call crack-whore alley. Remarkably many locals know exactly where this is. I am not a crack whore but see them and even chat with them on occasion. They're not bad people and I don't know what events in their lives triggered whatever led them to drugs and prostitution. Just like many of us, they're just trying to survive as best they know how. Still, in such a neighbourhood, there's a lot of theft, vandalism, drugs, break-ins, fights, screaming in the alley at 3am simply because they realized their vocal chords are capable after copious amounts of chemical toxins. My rent is way too high for what I get and have to put up with.

I live downtown in a city. It's great in terms of being able to walk pretty much anywhere I really need to go. I do use my car but consciously try not to unless it's necessary simply because I have access to so much within walking distance. I used to love the noise. It reminded me that I was alive and that there was a whole world out there. Now it's just noise and pressure.

Both being in a reasonably big city and having fairly constant internet access contributes to noise. My current definition of noise - beyond the audible - is chaos that makes me feel that I should hurry up and do something. Noise = chaos. It's distracting.

I feel that getting out and living a more relaxed and nomadic lifestyle is what I need to preserve my sanity. It will force me to learn adaptation skills and that there is a life beyond my computer. The world isn't going to end if I'm not caught up in being busy. All these pseudo demands on my time are only distracting me from living.

At this point, I really have nothing to lose and a lot to gain from this experience. I am a writer and the noise has been polluting my creativity.

In the Beginning...

This is the first of what I hope will be many posts about my personal RV adventures. As of right now I am unemployed, I will be dropping out of college tomorrow, and I do not yet have an RV.

Here's the plan:

- Sell all the excess "stuff" I've accumulated through the years.

- Apply for grants that are available to writers, find people who want to advertise on my site, build my own actual website, perhaps sell some articles to magazines all in an effort to raise enough money for the next point...

- Buy a used RV in June. I've been doing a lot of online research but still need to go in person and check some out. I've decided that I want a Class C model, preferably diesel, not too short - I like the idea of having a bedroom in the back with a queen sized bed and some storage space, one designed for four-season travel, it would be a bonus if I could find one that already has solar power.

- I plan to give my notice so I can move out of my shitty apartment by the end of May.

- I'm researching business cell phone and possibly internet plans. 

- I don't have a destination in mind at this point. I think I want to stay within the province of Alberta as long as I feel like it - until I've seen all I can. I have applied to be an ambassador of the province.

My goals along the way...

- A sort of working vacation of sorts.

- Learning to live with less "stuff" and reducing unnecessary shopping and clutter.

- To seriously think about the purchases I do make in terms of need, source, waste.

- To live as "green" as possible - solar power, solar heated water, recycling, not using toxic toilet chemicals, solar oven, whatever else I can think of.

- Eating consciously - buying from local sources like farms, u-pick lots, farmers' markets, independent cafes and coffee shops, also minimizing waste (and waist) by not buying packaged foods whenever possible. 

- Health is an absolute priority - beyond food as mentioned above, I plan to keep fit by running, possibly buying a foldable bike that I could bring along, maybe checking out local yoga classes or fitness facilities if they'll let me for free. :) 

- Meet and talk to people along the way. Get a feel for what's going on. 

- Discover neat towns with funny names, neat landmarks, interesting festivals, etc. 

How will I support myself? 

- Writing - keeping up this blog and hopefully also a website and possibly gaining some ad revenue from it (or an angel investor? or donations?)

- Writing - submitting articles to various magazines and newspapers

- Writing - books - maybe a guide to RV living in Alberta, whatever experiences I have are sure to make for good writing, there are also some books I've got going already that I just need motivation to finish up. :)

- Aside from writing? Well, I'll be shopping smarter which should save on the need to spend. Still, I'll have to put gas in the tank somehow. If necessary, I'll do odd jobs as I go along. Someone actually has coined the term Workamping. 

- Contesting - may be slightly more difficult without a "home address" but I'm sure I could get a post office box.

- I've contemplated selling advertising space on the RV. Just a thought.

- Work for payment in kind - like help out for a free meal or something.

Obviously I'm not doing this in order to get rich. If I happen to sell some books or whatever, that would be a pleasant side effect. Primarily, I'm at a point in my life where I really need to shake things up. I've never lived outside of the city I'm in now. I just want to transform my dreams into reality. I'm looking for my niche in the world. Staying where I am only makes me miserable. Why not do exactly what I want with my life? If I don't start now, it may be too late!