Calmer Waters

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday about the man that I love. It was very bizarre. In the dream, he was madly in love with an Asian girl. She was adorable but naturally I hated her because she stole the guy from me. He kept saying that he didn't think I was interested. I found out about this girl because I was reading a book and there was a piece of paper tucked into the cover - a note from her to him. It was all mushy and lovey-dovey and all the things he told me he hated about what I'd said. Apparently he liked her doing it. This made me hate her even more. I recall going to his friend's house, where he was staying, to confront him about it but he was kissing her goodbye. Somehow I snuck in the door behind him virtually unnoticed. I quietly crept to the couch and was lying on it while listening to the friends talking about this girl. It was making me very upset and I think he said he was going to marry her or something. Then the friend noticed me crying on the sofa and lifted it to dump me off. He told me to get out of his house and both he and the guy I love were looking at me with the most disdainful expressions on their faces. Then I woke up.

The dream was absolutely nuts and not really rooted in reality. I paid close attention to how I felt when I woke up. I missed the guy more than ever. My heart felt empty. I was left with the impression that if I didn't let him know that I am still interested that he'd take off and find someone else. It was a horrible feeling. It was in that moment that I realized just how much I still do care about him and want him in my life.

Last night before I went to bed, I unblocked him from my chat. So, now if I'm logged into it he can see that I'm online. If he wants he can start a conversation, too. I already told him that I was hesitant about communicating that way since that's how the major fight started. Oh well, I didn't notice him online at all today anyway.

The dream left me feeling that maybe I should ease up a little bit. So I sent him an email today offering an olive branch. I said that I want to go see a movie with him - which I have a coupon for - if he buys dinner first. Then we can take it to either my place or his. Seems fair enough. I told him to let me know if he doesn't want to so that I can go see the movie alone because I do want to see a particular movie, Invictus.

I really want to be able to have a comfortable relationship with him. I want us both to feel comfortable enough around each other that we can talk, go out, stay in, just enjoy life. My life is better with him in it - when he's not being an asshole. Of course, he likely thinks I'm being a bitch now so I guess we're even.

I sincerely love this guy. I could honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I'm going through some "growing pains" in terms of personal growth but if he can weather that we can get through anything. It would be good to have him there with me to believe in me and not let me give up on myself.

In any case, I hope the email does have some sort of positive result with him. I don't want to have a life without him but I want him to appreciate me.