Nope

Last night the guy was online. He's still being an ass. I was sort of hopeful because I texted him using my pet name for him and he wasn't hostile or anything. Silly me.

I went to bed relatively early. I was fast asleep when 1:30am rolled around and my phone was tweeting at me. (The indication that I got a text message.) It was the same ol' "wanna fuck?" text that he's been trying for the past several weeks. I tried very hard to roll over and fall back asleep but I was furious. I replied, "already did. sleeping. interview tomorrow." Then he replied, "good 4 u." Not sure if he was being sincere or not but somehow doubting so I sent, "I try." A couple minutes later he texts, "well?" I told him not if he didn't care about me. He said he hasn't changed so I said "then I guess you've got your answer."

It pissed me off so badly that I actually got up and turned on the computer. I sent him another email. He wrote back (way too soon I might add) "sux2bu." Jerk. I replied at first thanking him for so thoughtfully answering back. Then added that it must really suck to be him. But since he was being an ass and I wrote a moderately sized email telling him what I felt, I was tired again and went back to sleep.

I was sort of pissy all day today since my sleep was so rudely interrupted. I made it to my interview fine and got the job. I was happy about that. I even texted him after to say so. I'm not sure why.

So I sent him another email today. I basically said that it was pretty clear that his defensiveness over me saying that I love him is obviously more deeply rooted than our relationship. He must have something else going on that has nothing to do with me. Maybe he had a bad experience in the past that he hasn't properly dealt with. I don't know. Anyhow, I know that until he resolves whatever internal conflict he happens to have with love, I don't stand a chance.

Basically, after doing some personal reflection of the situation, I determined that I'm not the problem. He'd said that I'm not like the girls he usually dates and I take that as a compliment. He called the last one a bitch and stupid so if I'm not like her that's a good thing. I was really hoping that maybe it would click in his mind that the reason is that I'm the one. Maybe that's reaching a bit. Still, I've seen guys who date lots of women and fuck around a lot and when they do settle down, it's because they found a girl different than all the rest. Someone who truly understood them and didn't put up with their shit. It's like a wake up call to these guys and they know that's the girl for them. Maybe this guy is pressing the snooze button because he's not quite ready to wake up yet.

At any rate, life is too short for all this bullshit. I've tried getting over this guy but he won't let me. He keeps coming back to me. I've decided to take a stand in order to preserve my own piece of mind and well-being and not just have casual sex with him. I love him. The sex was good because we both cared. If he insists now that he doesn't care, I can't and won't have sex with him.

I realize that he's either going to resolve whatever issues he's facing, swallow his pride, and admit that there's something there or he won't. As much as I hate the idea that he won't, I can't put myself through this shit anymore. It's frustrating. It sucks that I do love him and he insists on being an ass. (lol. In the email I told him that he's acting like an ass with hemorrhoids and that hopefully they go away soon.)

This whole love thing really sucks. Love is a great feeling but if it isn't returned or even accepted, it's the worst feeling in the world.