Batshit Crazy

Right, well the government told me to get a job. If I could do that, I would have one. After playing phone tag right up until the end of the day on Friday, the bitch at the Employment and Immigration office seems to have conveniently forgotten that it's her turn, she's "it." I would've called only I was fairly certain that I'd say something completely off-colour and really fuck things up for myself.

Like... "You'll have to excuse me, I was actually BORN in this country and DID NOT get a GOVERNMENT JOB because of my MINORITY STATUS." Or "Maybe the reason your university-aged daughter found work at the mall is because she's likely a size 0, 18-year-old bitch who's obsessed with fashion and treating people like crap."

I've only discovered that things can ALWAYS get worse, much worse.

That said, if I live to fuck another man, I will NEVER, EVER even so much as sleep with a guy who has a child. They are the worst. Well, tough call actually, men just suck in general. But a man with a child(ren) is guaranteed never to see anyone but his child(ren) as number one. I guess that's why single parents come in both male and female varieties and are destined to be together. They fucked up one relationship for certain, if they're going to do it again, may as well make a real mess of it. I don't know why they even pretend well enough to get into my pants because it's clear they never want me to meet said child(ren). They pretend to be all caring and nice but then they seem to think the relationship is progressing and - wait! I don't want my family and/or child/ren to meet this bitch! Even worse when he says so, then realizes how mean it sounds, then goes back to pretending, then really can't handle reality.

Not that it matters right now because I can't even fuck. I'll spare you the gory details, but my health has deteriorated and I'm out of commission south of the waistline in that respect. I also am attempting some ridiculous diet to supposedly reset my immune system. I started that today. Well, instead I just opted not to eat at all. Fuck it. I'm supposed to be eating Meat Eggs Veggies & Yogurt. No coffee, no other milk products, no sugar, no fruit, no alcohol, no bread - certainly nothing with yeast. Fortunately I can't really afford to eat anyway. I made the mistake of buying these delightful-looking colourful veggie soups which, on closer inspection, contain yeast. So, I can't even buy the right fucking groceries apparently. So, WHY BOTHER?

Okay, so I was reasonably convinced that I'd hit bottom by going to the Social Assistance office to start with. That was, until the uber bitch (referenced above) decided that I wasn't worth helping at all. I did what was asked of me and got a note from my doctor saying that I am unable to work for a couple months at least. This is what incited the phone tag. I initially met with uber bitch the day before Canada Day. My rent was due (still is, obviously) and I felt I was out of options. When I'd initially called Social Assistance after having been laughed at by EI (Employment Insurance), I was told that they were required to help me no matter what. There must've been some small print or something that I missed.

For the record, I have been checking the Job Bank almost daily and sending out resumes to anything I'm remotely qualified for. I did get one response and set up an interview in the middle of the month for a part-time reception job. At least it's something, right? It won't pay the rent, but hey, what will? Nothing apparently, which is why I really have to get rid of everything I own and start living in my car. I'm not even kidding.

My landlady is not so patiently waiting for the rent. I called and explained that I was in the middle of some kind of arguement with the government. She said she'd verify the rental amount if that was needed.

My physical health issue leaves me with the endurance of a 90-year-old. I need to nap about three hours after waking. Each nap lasts a minimum of five hours. I wake up in a cold sweat whenever I wake from a night's sleep or a nap, wondering why I'm still alive. At the very least I can take comfort in the fact that my body will decompose quickly.

I've been staving off a mental breakdown for I don't even know how long now. Once it hits, time becomes pretty irrelevant. So, here I am, batshit crazy, just got in a HUGE fight with the first guy who told me he liked me - which I accused him of pretending. That would be the guy referenced in the paragraph swearing off men with kids. He'd already taken me to a movie a few weeks ago, drove me home, and dumped me saying that I wasn't good enough for him and that he really didn't want to introduce me to his kid and/or family (parents, siblings, etc.). He says I'm too messy and that being messy only represented lack of self respect & shit. (I never told him I had self respect). He felt a bit guilty afterward I guess because then he started being all nice to me again. What the fuck? We were supposed to spend the entire day together today - he works out of town every other week and told me he'd be spending most of this week with his daughter. Fine, so I called today and he didn't bother answering. So I sent him a text saying maybe he was right and that I'm not worth his time. Then had a nap and slept through a couple of his attempts to call back.

Tonight he wrote me some kind of nasty email via Facebook and was chatting with me on there. Thanks a fucking lot. Something about him not being able to deal with me right now. It seems the more you need people in your life, the more excuses they find to ditch you. Then he even offered to drive me to the hospital - which couldn't have been entirely sincere since eventually he said he had to sleep and left. So yeah, while chatting with him, I finally broke down. I'd fallen asleep crying when I went down for my nap but now, I'm officially batshit crazy.

I honestly don't think men realize exactly what kind of impact they have on women. I have already come to the conclusion that they are not capable of love. It simply isn't possible for them. Even so, aside from just physically, they fuck women up. Badly. Then, they walk away as if nothing happened.

I fell in love with a man once. He called me a cum bucket.

I don't know what to do now at any rate. It seems whatever I do seems to get me into more trouble. I may just wander naked in the rain just so I can feel. I don't fucking know. What's the use in going to the hospital? I'm sure there are people in there bleeding to death who actually want to live. Last time I went, I waited well over 7 hours to be seen by a doc who gave me a stretcher in a hallway in the emergency room to sleep on for the night. That was pretty nice actually, save for all the pregnant women that were whizzed by me in wheelchairs periodically who were ready to drop spawn at any given moment. I wasn't even required to wake completely for the hourly blood pressure checks "just in case." Huh, I never did get my giant bottle of aceteminophin back. Well, that was the last time I went on my own.

There was an incident over a year ago when I decided to take a roadtrip to the mountains but they wouldn't take me. "They" being the mountains. The mountains didn't want me. So, I was taken by ambulance to a local hospital, then a not-so-local hospital where I was locked up in a tiny room for the night. I'd never been so scared in my life. I hated it there. Somehow I convinced the doc in the morning to let me go so I could leave that city. That city hates me, too, I'm convinced. Most of the people there do anyway. I mean, I just don't belong on this planet in general, but I think the people of that metropolis hate me more than those of my own (if I can call this "my" place).

I don't feel that anyone wants me here - here in this world. I'm not supposed to have enough money to survive on. I'm not supposed to enjoy life. I'm never going to amount to anything anyway. I know they aren't actually allowed to say so, but I'm convinced that everyone just wants me to die. I personally don't think that's such a bad idea. I mean, what's the point in living? I will never find love (men don't love), I'm destined to fail, the government won't give me the temporary assistance I need to get back on my feet (because I'm infertile and not a minority). I'm sick of slipping through the cracks into the great unknown. It never works to my advantage.