Can I Please Enjoy Summer Now???

I've been feeling like crap for about four weeks now. I mean flat-out, physically drained. I just finished reading a book called, "The Yeast Syndrome" - yeah, not the sort of thing one picks up for a light read. Apparently it seems to be THE long-standing (circa 1985) bible on the subject of candidiasis. I managed to pick it up at a hospital fundraising used book sale. Why? It's TOTALLY applicable to my current physical condition.

Without all the unnecessary, gory details, I'll just say that it goes way beyond a typical yeast infection. It's what happens when for whatever reason the yeast takes over your entire body and your immune system just can't fight it off. In extreme cases, perfectly sober people can seem drunk without so much as a sip of alcohol. I don't think it's that bad in my case but that would be a bit too close to death for my liking.

Contained in this book is a suggested diet or as they call it a "Celebration of Healthy Eating." The purpose of it is to first of all stop being a good "host" and starve the yeast of its favourites - mainly more yeast (including beer, bread, and such) and sugar (from all sources including honey, fruit). The first phase really sucks and is the most brutal of all. The book even says to expect to feel like shit for awhile due to Herxheimers' Effect which is the name they've given the cell death of excess yeast. I mean this stuff has taken over much of the body so there's a lot of it to kill off. Diet alone isn't necessarily enough - which is why I have made an appointment with my doctor. But I figure the least I can do is take whatever steps possible to help.

Anyhow, this diet has four phases. I'm halfway through the first phase. I'm allowed to eat meat, eggs, veggies, and yogurt. Absolutely no sugar or honey or molasses or corn syrup or stuff like that. I have used artificial sweetener on occasion which the book says is okay. The yogurt is supposed to be plain - as in not just vanilla, as in NO flavour. I don't know if you've ever tried it, but it tastes like shit. I figure since this book is at least 20 years old, I'd opt for the sugar free flavoured yogurt available - most of which is fortified with probiotics.

Just something about me personally that makes this difficult - I REALLY hate restrictions. I don't like going to the dentist because you can't eat for like an hour afterward. Not that I'd be hungry, but the fact that I can't makes me want to eat or drink just because everyone else has the freedom to do so. As such, I haven't been eating much at all. Besides the fact that I suck at cooking for the most part and have no imagination in terms of recipes and the like, I just get frustrated at the thought of eating and often don't. I know it's bad. I've been anorexic - like borderline scary-skinny kind of anorexic.

Back to this diet... For two more weeks, it's MEVY (meat, eggs, veggies, yogurt). Today I said "screw it" and decided that probiotic cheese is okay. The course of the diet is supposed to add certain foods to each step so that the body is sort of re-introduced to them and therefore not threatened by them. Allergies are a potential symptom of yeast infestation so I'm hoping that maybe I'll be able to eat like a regular person in the end. For example the diet says I can eat tomatoes now but I've been allergic for a couple decades so I'm not even going to try adding them until phase three or four. Soy is my most recent and violent allergy which has only come to my attention in the past year or so.

But diet alone likely isn't enough as I'm finding out. I will need some kind of anti-fungal/anti-yeast medication - the book favours Nystatin. Also, as a result of the multiple allergies - food and environmental - I may need to get an injection. I forget the details and will have to look it up and write it down before I see the doc, but there are three medications that are injected that seem to do the trick for life. Fingers crossed on that.

Today it occurred to me that feeling like a 90-year-old at a third of that age is ridiculous. The primary reason is likely that I haven't been eating enough. So, I've decided to embrace the restrictions and eat as best I can within them. Not eating enough means I'll never get the energy I need. I'll always feel tired. I hate feeling that way. I shouldn't need an afternoon nap.

I do sincerely hope my doc has some updated information that will make this process way easier. I seriously WANT to exercise. It sucks to be winded after a five minute walk in which I wouldn't have broken a sweat before. I want to feel healthy.

I think the PRIME contributor to all this has been STRESS. If you read my last post, you understand that I've been going through a LOT of crap lately. So, on top of fighting for financial survival, I've literally been fighting for my life.

Gratefully I got the finances sorted out. I will be getting some money from Social Assistance for this month and likely next. I've decided that school is the best option for me in September and plan to apply next week for the program and to live in residence. I've been pre-approved for a loan. I have an interview for a part time job this weekend. I am allowed to make some money while receiving Social Assistance and while receiving Student Loans.

This time I'm going to do school right. I'm applying to the Holistic Health program. It is a very focused, two-year diploma program. I figure by living at the school it'll be better. I'll have less to worry about like transportation, bills (aside from cell phone), I'll have no excuse not to pay attention. I can workout without being concerned about leaving my laptop in a locker. I can study at the library whenever it's open and only be a few steps from "home." In fact, I'd feel guilty NOT studying or taking decent care of myself being in that environment all the time. Also, I'd feel releived to get away for four months in the summer.

I'm not entirely abandoning my dream of living in an RV full-time but do need to put it on hold until I get my resources together. By going to school and actually finishing and doing well, I will have the skills to start a business or contribute where needed. I will never abandon my writing. It is a part of me. In fact, I hope to freelance as much as possible. I'm currently reading a book on successful freelance magazine article writing.

I hit bottom. Then I sunk deeper. Not a whole lot has changed apart from the obvious circumstances. I am stronger. Okay, so I'm still working on the physical strength but am confident that will come. I wouldn't say that I'm a different person. I'm grateful for the strength that has somehow allowed me to perservere through all this crap. Leave it to me to learn the hard way.

My parents still aren't confident that school is the best choice. Oh well. I make the choices because it's my life. Despite the fact on some level a bit of moral support from them would be appreciated, I've learned not to expect it. They've got their own issues. I got to watch them make a bunch of mistakes and such. I simply didn't have a say in their decisions just as they don't in mine. Besides, they analyze me more closely than my siblings because I live the closest. It's convenient. But I get a close-up of their lives too and see it isn't so perfect either.

I've got an education. The school of hard knocks is brutal and I'm like some kind of graduate student by now. It builds character, though, and I wouldn't have expected any less. I've known most of my life that I am and would be a writer. The life of a writer is brutal. Any writer who's had it easy likely isn't that great of a writer. Journalism school was the first time I'd heard of how a writer must develop a thick skin. It's true.