Troubled Water?

I'll bet you know what song I'm listening to as I begin writing this blog entry.

I'm feeling pretty depressed. Just heavy-hearted, not good enough, disappointed that the one man I loved couldn't love me back, upset that I can't even manage to snag a seasonal retail job, and the list goes on and on.

I seriously thought I was doing reasonably well at getting over the guy. He sexted me again, I ignored it again, then I sent an email letting him know that he seriously hurt me by saying cruel things during an online chat argument. He doesn't seem to understand just what it meant to me when I said that I loved him. Love is seriously all I have and isn't something I just throw out there. I've never felt this way about anyone in my life. Crap, now the tears are starting.

Obviously I still do have deep feelings for him. I don't know what to believe out of all the things he said. At any rate, without an apology I can't see him again. I'm pretty sure it isn't coming. Of course deep down I really wish he would swallow his pride for a moment and surprise the hell out of me. I know he's got it in him. I also know the odds are not in my favour. I miss him every single day.

The rest of my life seems to be systematically falling apart. I've been working on things. I apply for jobs, usually get one interview out of each batch, then they hire someone else. Dealing with the government is so completely frustrating. The rules change daily. Only government employees get a copy of the rulebook and the updates. Trust me, I asked. Talk about a stacked game! So I've been getting enough to cover my rent plus $10 which is supposed to cover food, power, phone, clothes, and everything else. Yeah right. This month I spent the entire $10 on a single chocolate bar that didn't contain soy. I feel like Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory only the shiny gold wrapping doesn't qualify me to do anything special. My mom asked if I had any money and when I said no she gave me $20. I spent it on a bottle of Captain Morgan. Trust me, I needed it.

I'm not an alcoholic. I tried once but it just didn't work out. Way too much maintenance and it's expensive. Also, my grandparents hit the bottle pretty hard and that's pretty much what killed my grandpa at the age of 59. Still, I don't feel there's anything wrong with drowning my sorrows every now and then when nothing else seems to be working.

I can't seem to talk my doctor into giving me a letter for a medicinal marijuana card. She seems stuck on the fact that marijuana is illegal. I don't think she's even tried it - even as a young adult. In all honesty, it's the only thing that can properly treat a crying spell. If I can't stop crying, I only need a little bit and I'm good. It also gives me enough distance from my thoughts to digest them properly. I don't even really get the munchies, depending on the strain I end up with I guess. But considering that at times I'm practically anorexic, is that really such a bad thing? I'm not a pothead. I seriously only smoke up once in awhile. So it makes better financial sense, too.

I feel like such an overall failure. This is the first real shot at writing I've done in awhile. I want to write as a career. At the moment, I don't have much confidence overall much less in my writing. Yesterday I proofread a 22-page thesis for a random follower on Twitter. A thesis. Seriously, I have the ability to write well but can I get an important piece of paper from an accredited educational facility? NO. I feel stupid, though I know I'm not. However, I can't really prove it.

The clouds in my head are thick. I don't feel like I fit in to society as a whole. I can't get a job, I don't know how to get even the basics from the government - I don't even want to be on government assistance. I don't feel good enough for anything. I want to accomplish something in school but that doesn't seem to be happening for me. I'm not good enough for the one guy in the world that I love. I honestly don't want to live anymore at this time. It just feels like I don't belong on this earth.

Whenever I'm passionate about something, I'm told to calm down or shut up. No one wants me to have feelings or opinions. I'm supposed to just settle into the status quo somehow. I've come to loathe that. Maybe I'm not supposed to be here. So why the fuck am I? I can't answer that. All I know is that if/when I ever am near death, please leave me be.