Holy Freakin' Rollercoaster!

This has got to be the most stress I've endured in this lifetime so far.

I've hit record lows - all of which I've pulled myself out of and feel stronger as a result. Of course, while in the depths, it's nearly impossible to function let alone believe there's a purpose. The best feeling in the world is when I finally see a tiny positive, then another, then my entire perspective shifts and I tell the darkness to fuck off. It's similar to winning a race or reaching some kind of target or goal. The buzz is usually temporary but when the positive outlook remains, all is good with the world. I can tackle my problems with a strength I didn't have before and I don't take shit from anyone.

That's not to say that things don't bother me and get me fired up and angry when I'm in a positive state. No, I do get furious. In fact, I get riled up and pissed off as would be expected. The difference is that instead of going down the road of feeling that my life is shit and everything happening to me is eating away at me, the opposite happens. My attitude becomes more of a "how dare you" instead of "how could you" when I feel I'm being treated unfairly or given a run-around or like today when I told a government employee that I was being wrapped in red tape. I say, "Fuck you. I'm as deserving as anyone. If your job is to help me, do so." (No, I didn't say that to the government employee. I did say the red tape bit, though.)

I don't go in all guns a-blazing demanding shit. No, my approach is reasonable and I give people the opportunity to do their thing. I must admit though, I really don't deal well with stupidity. I mean, there's a threshold. I've worked in many call centres and had jobs in which I was required to extract information from people that they weren't especially keen to volunteer or that needed some fishing to get exactly what I needed. I am skilled in areas of diplomacy and use these skills - to a point. Then I take names and ask for supervisors because my time and sanity is valuable.

I'm still waitlisted for school. It's like purgatory or something. Anyhow, I'm going down there to discuss the ramifications of removing myself from this wait list. I mean, it's already a week into school and playing catch up isn't what I had in mind for a quality education. Besides, I need to get the deposit back from residence. I wouldn't have put in a deposit had the registrar's office updated my status online in real time. I'll try again next year or just find something better - I mean else - to do. I've been looking into other schools but of course most things start either in September or January. We'll see. I'm exploring other options.

I've been spending a ridiculous amount of time online lately but not for purely leisure purposes. Aside from seeking alternatives to conversing with idiots in government call centres, I've been researching arts grants and habitats. Of course, as a backup I always browse traditional job listings and accommodations. My trip to the Business Link last week fueled more online research into possibilities of a start-up of some sort. There are free resources for people who are un/under-employed that I'm looking into.

I must admit that I'm somewhat torn between doing something traditional in terms of a job or wanting to dedicate all my time and energy into my creative passsions. I mean at this point I need money and am going to have to find some way to generate an income so that I don't rely on the government for money. They aren't so reliable in that respect (and many others but I'm not going on a political rant at the moment). Ideally, I'd find a job where I could be creative and learn skills that would enhance my personal creative pursuits.

You may have noticed that I've added a DONATE button on the right. Thanks in advance if you've got some money to contribute to help me out. These are hurtin' times, my friends. I've used all the money and credit I have available just to live. Now I'm fighting the government while also trying to resolve the school waitlist issue, deal with impending eviction, applying for "real" jobs, and seeking other permanent and temporary solutions.

I realize that times are tough everywhere. I still donate what I can where I can. I'm taking three green garbage bags full of clothes to Goodwill after cleaning my closets & drawers. If anyone in the Edmonton, AB area has a truck or something, I'm also selling my furniture. I've got a twin bed in good condition (I still sleep on it but also have an inflatable bed that's more portable), an IKEA dresser that's in perfect condition - and fully assembled! lol, a computer desk with hutch - it's really functional and attractive but also heavy. I'm willing to negotiate price - especially if you can move it out of here - but realize I do need money. If I don't get money from the government, the eviction notice is dated for the end of this week so I'll have to leave the furniture behind.

Anyhow, I got up early to fight with the government and haven't been sleeping especially well so I'm off for a brief nap while waiting for the supervisor to call back. Then I've got a lot of sorting and packing to do. But hey, I'm not feeling down. I mean that sincerely, not sarcastically. ;)