There are moments in life that amaze me. That’s likely all that keeps me going. Particularly such a moment that feels like somehow the universe is all in perfect alignment. There’s no possible way it could be a coincidence, only something that was absolutely meant to happen.
I had such a moment today. A friend and I were on our way back to his place when we saw fluorescent pink signs leading to a garage sale. The first thing that came to mind is that maybe it would be better not to go since it would just be other peoples’ junk. But one person’s junk is another’s treasure. I have also been looking for a low cost bike and had no luck at the local bicycle commuters’ society. So we decided to take a look.
They did have a couple of bikes there but they weren’t what I was looking for and had seen better days. We browsed a bit and I caught a glimpse of a bookshelf under a tarp. I hesitantly lifted the tarp a little to see the books. The woman running the garage sale excitedly leapt up and removed the tarp to reveal a bunch of books on the shelf and beside it. She was selling them for fifty cents each and had quite a variety of genres.
I am an absolute book whore. I freely admit it. She was very animated in saying which ones she’d enjoyed the most and asked what we liked to read. I told her that I write and as such like to read a lot and wasn’t too particular about genre. She said she envied me and said she was a teacher. So I browsed and selected books. Another person came along and purchased a lot of books as well.
The woman went to the garage and said she was waiting for some space on the shelves to put out more books as she put a box on the table and started to open it. As she did, she was describing her favourites again and none really caught my interest. When she got to the bottom of the box, she held up a book and looked straight into my eyes and said she was positive it was the perfect book for me. It’s called, “Blue Highways A Journey Into America.” She went on to describe that it’s about a man who’d lost everything, had no money, and decided to embark on a journey around the United States on secondary (blue) highways.
I was astonished and how freakishly accurate she was about selecting this particular book for me. I told her so.
I have no money. In fact, today I went to the bank to take some money out of my RRSP and harassed the government to get their shit together so I could sign what I needed to in order to get my welfare cheque. The premise of this whole blog is that I’d like nothing more than to sell all my stuff and live in an RV. I’ve always had a soft spot for rural towns and ghost towns and anything off the beaten track. I almost always select the secondary highways over the main ones. There’s so much to see that otherwise I wouldn’t have. I also love to take photos and write. There usually aren’t a lot of scenic spots to pull over on a main highway. They were built to get places quickly. I’ve got plenty of time.
So now the wanderlust has been sparked once again. Two years of school seems like a very long time. It doesn’t have to be though. I mean it’s eight months at a time with four months of break in between. I need to work on finding some way to enjoy life where I’m at until I have the means to move forward. Having a skill and a diploma will help me no matter where I end up. I know this program is what I want to do. In terms of school, the time does fly by very quickly.
31 July 2009
18 July 2009
My Review of Special Edition B60
Keurig Special Edition B60
Why Brew a Pot for a Cup or Two?
kdub Edmonton, AB, Canada 7/18/2009
Pros: Unique, Smooth Taste, Full Body, Aroma
Best Uses: Evening, Anytime, Afternoon, Morning
Describe Yourself: Simple Tastes, Foodie, Fair Trade Conscious, Frequent Diner, Organic Enthusiast, Eco-friendly, Health Conscious
I got my parents this model for Christmas 2 or 3 years ago. I was cautiously optimistic because my dad is a senior and not always open to change. Luckily, my mom makes bad coffee. (Shh! Don't tell her I said so!)
My dad is a morning coffee guy. He drinks one or two cups while reading the paper and that's about it. So, it was tricky (giving my mom some credit) trying to negotiate how much ground coffee to put in for only half or a quarter of a 12-cup coffee pot, nevermind messing with filter papers or washing the replaceable filter (or forgetting and cleaning the mold). My mom rarely drinks coffee but loves her tea.
They absolutely LOVE their Keurig B60! It's easy to use, uses less electricity, and wastes less time and coffee. It's a breeze to maintain. I've run vinegar through it once a year just to keep it from scaling up. It's great when guests come over because they can offer coffee or tea in a variety of flavours since it's made one cup at a time. In less than a minute, the beverage is made.
In fact, they like theirs so much that they purchased one for my sister and her husband this past Christmas. They were equally impressed. Each of them have different coffee preferences - he prefers something dark and bold and she prefers something more medium or flavoured. They also host gatherings and love giving people the option to choose what kind of coffee or tea they like.
16 July 2009
Can I Please Enjoy Summer Now???
I've been feeling like crap for about four weeks now. I mean flat-out, physically drained. I just finished reading a book called, "The Yeast Syndrome" - yeah, not the sort of thing one picks up for a light read. Apparently it seems to be THE long-standing (circa 1985) bible on the subject of candidiasis. I managed to pick it up at a hospital fundraising used book sale. Why? It's TOTALLY applicable to my current physical condition.
Without all the unnecessary, gory details, I'll just say that it goes way beyond a typical yeast infection. It's what happens when for whatever reason the yeast takes over your entire body and your immune system just can't fight it off. In extreme cases, perfectly sober people can seem drunk without so much as a sip of alcohol. I don't think it's that bad in my case but that would be a bit too close to death for my liking.
Contained in this book is a suggested diet or as they call it a "Celebration of Healthy Eating." The purpose of it is to first of all stop being a good "host" and starve the yeast of its favourites - mainly more yeast (including beer, bread, and such) and sugar (from all sources including honey, fruit). The first phase really sucks and is the most brutal of all. The book even says to expect to feel like shit for awhile due to Herxheimers' Effect which is the name they've given the cell death of excess yeast. I mean this stuff has taken over much of the body so there's a lot of it to kill off. Diet alone isn't necessarily enough - which is why I have made an appointment with my doctor. But I figure the least I can do is take whatever steps possible to help.
Anyhow, this diet has four phases. I'm halfway through the first phase. I'm allowed to eat meat, eggs, veggies, and yogurt. Absolutely no sugar or honey or molasses or corn syrup or stuff like that. I have used artificial sweetener on occasion which the book says is okay. The yogurt is supposed to be plain - as in not just vanilla, as in NO flavour. I don't know if you've ever tried it, but it tastes like shit. I figure since this book is at least 20 years old, I'd opt for the sugar free flavoured yogurt available - most of which is fortified with probiotics.
Just something about me personally that makes this difficult - I REALLY hate restrictions. I don't like going to the dentist because you can't eat for like an hour afterward. Not that I'd be hungry, but the fact that I can't makes me want to eat or drink just because everyone else has the freedom to do so. As such, I haven't been eating much at all. Besides the fact that I suck at cooking for the most part and have no imagination in terms of recipes and the like, I just get frustrated at the thought of eating and often don't. I know it's bad. I've been anorexic - like borderline scary-skinny kind of anorexic.
Back to this diet... For two more weeks, it's MEVY (meat, eggs, veggies, yogurt). Today I said "screw it" and decided that probiotic cheese is okay. The course of the diet is supposed to add certain foods to each step so that the body is sort of re-introduced to them and therefore not threatened by them. Allergies are a potential symptom of yeast infestation so I'm hoping that maybe I'll be able to eat like a regular person in the end. For example the diet says I can eat tomatoes now but I've been allergic for a couple decades so I'm not even going to try adding them until phase three or four. Soy is my most recent and violent allergy which has only come to my attention in the past year or so.
But diet alone likely isn't enough as I'm finding out. I will need some kind of anti-fungal/anti-yeast medication - the book favours Nystatin. Also, as a result of the multiple allergies - food and environmental - I may need to get an injection. I forget the details and will have to look it up and write it down before I see the doc, but there are three medications that are injected that seem to do the trick for life. Fingers crossed on that.
Today it occurred to me that feeling like a 90-year-old at a third of that age is ridiculous. The primary reason is likely that I haven't been eating enough. So, I've decided to embrace the restrictions and eat as best I can within them. Not eating enough means I'll never get the energy I need. I'll always feel tired. I hate feeling that way. I shouldn't need an afternoon nap.
I do sincerely hope my doc has some updated information that will make this process way easier. I seriously WANT to exercise. It sucks to be winded after a five minute walk in which I wouldn't have broken a sweat before. I want to feel healthy.
I think the PRIME contributor to all this has been STRESS. If you read my last post, you understand that I've been going through a LOT of crap lately. So, on top of fighting for financial survival, I've literally been fighting for my life.
Gratefully I got the finances sorted out. I will be getting some money from Social Assistance for this month and likely next. I've decided that school is the best option for me in September and plan to apply next week for the program and to live in residence. I've been pre-approved for a loan. I have an interview for a part time job this weekend. I am allowed to make some money while receiving Social Assistance and while receiving Student Loans.
This time I'm going to do school right. I'm applying to the Holistic Health program. It is a very focused, two-year diploma program. I figure by living at the school it'll be better. I'll have less to worry about like transportation, bills (aside from cell phone), I'll have no excuse not to pay attention. I can workout without being concerned about leaving my laptop in a locker. I can study at the library whenever it's open and only be a few steps from "home." In fact, I'd feel guilty NOT studying or taking decent care of myself being in that environment all the time. Also, I'd feel releived to get away for four months in the summer.
I'm not entirely abandoning my dream of living in an RV full-time but do need to put it on hold until I get my resources together. By going to school and actually finishing and doing well, I will have the skills to start a business or contribute where needed. I will never abandon my writing. It is a part of me. In fact, I hope to freelance as much as possible. I'm currently reading a book on successful freelance magazine article writing.
I hit bottom. Then I sunk deeper. Not a whole lot has changed apart from the obvious circumstances. I am stronger. Okay, so I'm still working on the physical strength but am confident that will come. I wouldn't say that I'm a different person. I'm grateful for the strength that has somehow allowed me to perservere through all this crap. Leave it to me to learn the hard way.
My parents still aren't confident that school is the best choice. Oh well. I make the choices because it's my life. Despite the fact on some level a bit of moral support from them would be appreciated, I've learned not to expect it. They've got their own issues. I got to watch them make a bunch of mistakes and such. I simply didn't have a say in their decisions just as they don't in mine. Besides, they analyze me more closely than my siblings because I live the closest. It's convenient. But I get a close-up of their lives too and see it isn't so perfect either.
I've got an education. The school of hard knocks is brutal and I'm like some kind of graduate student by now. It builds character, though, and I wouldn't have expected any less. I've known most of my life that I am and would be a writer. The life of a writer is brutal. Any writer who's had it easy likely isn't that great of a writer. Journalism school was the first time I'd heard of how a writer must develop a thick skin. It's true.
Without all the unnecessary, gory details, I'll just say that it goes way beyond a typical yeast infection. It's what happens when for whatever reason the yeast takes over your entire body and your immune system just can't fight it off. In extreme cases, perfectly sober people can seem drunk without so much as a sip of alcohol. I don't think it's that bad in my case but that would be a bit too close to death for my liking.
Contained in this book is a suggested diet or as they call it a "Celebration of Healthy Eating." The purpose of it is to first of all stop being a good "host" and starve the yeast of its favourites - mainly more yeast (including beer, bread, and such) and sugar (from all sources including honey, fruit). The first phase really sucks and is the most brutal of all. The book even says to expect to feel like shit for awhile due to Herxheimers' Effect which is the name they've given the cell death of excess yeast. I mean this stuff has taken over much of the body so there's a lot of it to kill off. Diet alone isn't necessarily enough - which is why I have made an appointment with my doctor. But I figure the least I can do is take whatever steps possible to help.
Anyhow, this diet has four phases. I'm halfway through the first phase. I'm allowed to eat meat, eggs, veggies, and yogurt. Absolutely no sugar or honey or molasses or corn syrup or stuff like that. I have used artificial sweetener on occasion which the book says is okay. The yogurt is supposed to be plain - as in not just vanilla, as in NO flavour. I don't know if you've ever tried it, but it tastes like shit. I figure since this book is at least 20 years old, I'd opt for the sugar free flavoured yogurt available - most of which is fortified with probiotics.
Just something about me personally that makes this difficult - I REALLY hate restrictions. I don't like going to the dentist because you can't eat for like an hour afterward. Not that I'd be hungry, but the fact that I can't makes me want to eat or drink just because everyone else has the freedom to do so. As such, I haven't been eating much at all. Besides the fact that I suck at cooking for the most part and have no imagination in terms of recipes and the like, I just get frustrated at the thought of eating and often don't. I know it's bad. I've been anorexic - like borderline scary-skinny kind of anorexic.
Back to this diet... For two more weeks, it's MEVY (meat, eggs, veggies, yogurt). Today I said "screw it" and decided that probiotic cheese is okay. The course of the diet is supposed to add certain foods to each step so that the body is sort of re-introduced to them and therefore not threatened by them. Allergies are a potential symptom of yeast infestation so I'm hoping that maybe I'll be able to eat like a regular person in the end. For example the diet says I can eat tomatoes now but I've been allergic for a couple decades so I'm not even going to try adding them until phase three or four. Soy is my most recent and violent allergy which has only come to my attention in the past year or so.
But diet alone likely isn't enough as I'm finding out. I will need some kind of anti-fungal/anti-yeast medication - the book favours Nystatin. Also, as a result of the multiple allergies - food and environmental - I may need to get an injection. I forget the details and will have to look it up and write it down before I see the doc, but there are three medications that are injected that seem to do the trick for life. Fingers crossed on that.
Today it occurred to me that feeling like a 90-year-old at a third of that age is ridiculous. The primary reason is likely that I haven't been eating enough. So, I've decided to embrace the restrictions and eat as best I can within them. Not eating enough means I'll never get the energy I need. I'll always feel tired. I hate feeling that way. I shouldn't need an afternoon nap.
I do sincerely hope my doc has some updated information that will make this process way easier. I seriously WANT to exercise. It sucks to be winded after a five minute walk in which I wouldn't have broken a sweat before. I want to feel healthy.
I think the PRIME contributor to all this has been STRESS. If you read my last post, you understand that I've been going through a LOT of crap lately. So, on top of fighting for financial survival, I've literally been fighting for my life.
Gratefully I got the finances sorted out. I will be getting some money from Social Assistance for this month and likely next. I've decided that school is the best option for me in September and plan to apply next week for the program and to live in residence. I've been pre-approved for a loan. I have an interview for a part time job this weekend. I am allowed to make some money while receiving Social Assistance and while receiving Student Loans.
This time I'm going to do school right. I'm applying to the Holistic Health program. It is a very focused, two-year diploma program. I figure by living at the school it'll be better. I'll have less to worry about like transportation, bills (aside from cell phone), I'll have no excuse not to pay attention. I can workout without being concerned about leaving my laptop in a locker. I can study at the library whenever it's open and only be a few steps from "home." In fact, I'd feel guilty NOT studying or taking decent care of myself being in that environment all the time. Also, I'd feel releived to get away for four months in the summer.
I'm not entirely abandoning my dream of living in an RV full-time but do need to put it on hold until I get my resources together. By going to school and actually finishing and doing well, I will have the skills to start a business or contribute where needed. I will never abandon my writing. It is a part of me. In fact, I hope to freelance as much as possible. I'm currently reading a book on successful freelance magazine article writing.
I hit bottom. Then I sunk deeper. Not a whole lot has changed apart from the obvious circumstances. I am stronger. Okay, so I'm still working on the physical strength but am confident that will come. I wouldn't say that I'm a different person. I'm grateful for the strength that has somehow allowed me to perservere through all this crap. Leave it to me to learn the hard way.
My parents still aren't confident that school is the best choice. Oh well. I make the choices because it's my life. Despite the fact on some level a bit of moral support from them would be appreciated, I've learned not to expect it. They've got their own issues. I got to watch them make a bunch of mistakes and such. I simply didn't have a say in their decisions just as they don't in mine. Besides, they analyze me more closely than my siblings because I live the closest. It's convenient. But I get a close-up of their lives too and see it isn't so perfect either.
I've got an education. The school of hard knocks is brutal and I'm like some kind of graduate student by now. It builds character, though, and I wouldn't have expected any less. I've known most of my life that I am and would be a writer. The life of a writer is brutal. Any writer who's had it easy likely isn't that great of a writer. Journalism school was the first time I'd heard of how a writer must develop a thick skin. It's true.
07 July 2009
Batshit Crazy
Right, well the government told me to get a job. If I could do that, I would have one. After playing phone tag right up until the end of the day on Friday, the bitch at the Employment and Immigration office seems to have conveniently forgotten that it's her turn, she's "it." I would've called only I was fairly certain that I'd say something completely off-colour and really fuck things up for myself.
Like... "You'll have to excuse me, I was actually BORN in this country and DID NOT get a GOVERNMENT JOB because of my MINORITY STATUS." Or "Maybe the reason your university-aged daughter found work at the mall is because she's likely a size 0, 18-year-old bitch who's obsessed with fashion and treating people like crap."
I've only discovered that things can ALWAYS get worse, much worse.
That said, if I live to fuck another man, I will NEVER, EVER even so much as sleep with a guy who has a child. They are the worst. Well, tough call actually, men just suck in general. But a man with a child(ren) is guaranteed never to see anyone but his child(ren) as number one. I guess that's why single parents come in both male and female varieties and are destined to be together. They fucked up one relationship for certain, if they're going to do it again, may as well make a real mess of it. I don't know why they even pretend well enough to get into my pants because it's clear they never want me to meet said child(ren). They pretend to be all caring and nice but then they seem to think the relationship is progressing and - wait! I don't want my family and/or child/ren to meet this bitch! Even worse when he says so, then realizes how mean it sounds, then goes back to pretending, then really can't handle reality.
Not that it matters right now because I can't even fuck. I'll spare you the gory details, but my health has deteriorated and I'm out of commission south of the waistline in that respect. I also am attempting some ridiculous diet to supposedly reset my immune system. I started that today. Well, instead I just opted not to eat at all. Fuck it. I'm supposed to be eating Meat Eggs Veggies & Yogurt. No coffee, no other milk products, no sugar, no fruit, no alcohol, no bread - certainly nothing with yeast. Fortunately I can't really afford to eat anyway. I made the mistake of buying these delightful-looking colourful veggie soups which, on closer inspection, contain yeast. So, I can't even buy the right fucking groceries apparently. So, WHY BOTHER?
Okay, so I was reasonably convinced that I'd hit bottom by going to the Social Assistance office to start with. That was, until the uber bitch (referenced above) decided that I wasn't worth helping at all. I did what was asked of me and got a note from my doctor saying that I am unable to work for a couple months at least. This is what incited the phone tag. I initially met with uber bitch the day before Canada Day. My rent was due (still is, obviously) and I felt I was out of options. When I'd initially called Social Assistance after having been laughed at by EI (Employment Insurance), I was told that they were required to help me no matter what. There must've been some small print or something that I missed.
For the record, I have been checking the Job Bank almost daily and sending out resumes to anything I'm remotely qualified for. I did get one response and set up an interview in the middle of the month for a part-time reception job. At least it's something, right? It won't pay the rent, but hey, what will? Nothing apparently, which is why I really have to get rid of everything I own and start living in my car. I'm not even kidding.
My landlady is not so patiently waiting for the rent. I called and explained that I was in the middle of some kind of arguement with the government. She said she'd verify the rental amount if that was needed.
My physical health issue leaves me with the endurance of a 90-year-old. I need to nap about three hours after waking. Each nap lasts a minimum of five hours. I wake up in a cold sweat whenever I wake from a night's sleep or a nap, wondering why I'm still alive. At the very least I can take comfort in the fact that my body will decompose quickly.
I've been staving off a mental breakdown for I don't even know how long now. Once it hits, time becomes pretty irrelevant. So, here I am, batshit crazy, just got in a HUGE fight with the first guy who told me he liked me - which I accused him of pretending. That would be the guy referenced in the paragraph swearing off men with kids. He'd already taken me to a movie a few weeks ago, drove me home, and dumped me saying that I wasn't good enough for him and that he really didn't want to introduce me to his kid and/or family (parents, siblings, etc.). He says I'm too messy and that being messy only represented lack of self respect & shit. (I never told him I had self respect). He felt a bit guilty afterward I guess because then he started being all nice to me again. What the fuck? We were supposed to spend the entire day together today - he works out of town every other week and told me he'd be spending most of this week with his daughter. Fine, so I called today and he didn't bother answering. So I sent him a text saying maybe he was right and that I'm not worth his time. Then had a nap and slept through a couple of his attempts to call back.
Tonight he wrote me some kind of nasty email via Facebook and was chatting with me on there. Thanks a fucking lot. Something about him not being able to deal with me right now. It seems the more you need people in your life, the more excuses they find to ditch you. Then he even offered to drive me to the hospital - which couldn't have been entirely sincere since eventually he said he had to sleep and left. So yeah, while chatting with him, I finally broke down. I'd fallen asleep crying when I went down for my nap but now, I'm officially batshit crazy.
I honestly don't think men realize exactly what kind of impact they have on women. I have already come to the conclusion that they are not capable of love. It simply isn't possible for them. Even so, aside from just physically, they fuck women up. Badly. Then, they walk away as if nothing happened.
I fell in love with a man once. He called me a cum bucket.
I don't know what to do now at any rate. It seems whatever I do seems to get me into more trouble. I may just wander naked in the rain just so I can feel. I don't fucking know. What's the use in going to the hospital? I'm sure there are people in there bleeding to death who actually want to live. Last time I went, I waited well over 7 hours to be seen by a doc who gave me a stretcher in a hallway in the emergency room to sleep on for the night. That was pretty nice actually, save for all the pregnant women that were whizzed by me in wheelchairs periodically who were ready to drop spawn at any given moment. I wasn't even required to wake completely for the hourly blood pressure checks "just in case." Huh, I never did get my giant bottle of aceteminophin back. Well, that was the last time I went on my own.
There was an incident over a year ago when I decided to take a roadtrip to the mountains but they wouldn't take me. "They" being the mountains. The mountains didn't want me. So, I was taken by ambulance to a local hospital, then a not-so-local hospital where I was locked up in a tiny room for the night. I'd never been so scared in my life. I hated it there. Somehow I convinced the doc in the morning to let me go so I could leave that city. That city hates me, too, I'm convinced. Most of the people there do anyway. I mean, I just don't belong on this planet in general, but I think the people of that metropolis hate me more than those of my own (if I can call this "my" place).
I don't feel that anyone wants me here - here in this world. I'm not supposed to have enough money to survive on. I'm not supposed to enjoy life. I'm never going to amount to anything anyway. I know they aren't actually allowed to say so, but I'm convinced that everyone just wants me to die. I personally don't think that's such a bad idea. I mean, what's the point in living? I will never find love (men don't love), I'm destined to fail, the government won't give me the temporary assistance I need to get back on my feet (because I'm infertile and not a minority). I'm sick of slipping through the cracks into the great unknown. It never works to my advantage.
Like... "You'll have to excuse me, I was actually BORN in this country and DID NOT get a GOVERNMENT JOB because of my MINORITY STATUS." Or "Maybe the reason your university-aged daughter found work at the mall is because she's likely a size 0, 18-year-old bitch who's obsessed with fashion and treating people like crap."
I've only discovered that things can ALWAYS get worse, much worse.
That said, if I live to fuck another man, I will NEVER, EVER even so much as sleep with a guy who has a child. They are the worst. Well, tough call actually, men just suck in general. But a man with a child(ren) is guaranteed never to see anyone but his child(ren) as number one. I guess that's why single parents come in both male and female varieties and are destined to be together. They fucked up one relationship for certain, if they're going to do it again, may as well make a real mess of it. I don't know why they even pretend well enough to get into my pants because it's clear they never want me to meet said child(ren). They pretend to be all caring and nice but then they seem to think the relationship is progressing and - wait! I don't want my family and/or child/ren to meet this bitch! Even worse when he says so, then realizes how mean it sounds, then goes back to pretending, then really can't handle reality.
Not that it matters right now because I can't even fuck. I'll spare you the gory details, but my health has deteriorated and I'm out of commission south of the waistline in that respect. I also am attempting some ridiculous diet to supposedly reset my immune system. I started that today. Well, instead I just opted not to eat at all. Fuck it. I'm supposed to be eating Meat Eggs Veggies & Yogurt. No coffee, no other milk products, no sugar, no fruit, no alcohol, no bread - certainly nothing with yeast. Fortunately I can't really afford to eat anyway. I made the mistake of buying these delightful-looking colourful veggie soups which, on closer inspection, contain yeast. So, I can't even buy the right fucking groceries apparently. So, WHY BOTHER?
Okay, so I was reasonably convinced that I'd hit bottom by going to the Social Assistance office to start with. That was, until the uber bitch (referenced above) decided that I wasn't worth helping at all. I did what was asked of me and got a note from my doctor saying that I am unable to work for a couple months at least. This is what incited the phone tag. I initially met with uber bitch the day before Canada Day. My rent was due (still is, obviously) and I felt I was out of options. When I'd initially called Social Assistance after having been laughed at by EI (Employment Insurance), I was told that they were required to help me no matter what. There must've been some small print or something that I missed.
For the record, I have been checking the Job Bank almost daily and sending out resumes to anything I'm remotely qualified for. I did get one response and set up an interview in the middle of the month for a part-time reception job. At least it's something, right? It won't pay the rent, but hey, what will? Nothing apparently, which is why I really have to get rid of everything I own and start living in my car. I'm not even kidding.
My landlady is not so patiently waiting for the rent. I called and explained that I was in the middle of some kind of arguement with the government. She said she'd verify the rental amount if that was needed.
My physical health issue leaves me with the endurance of a 90-year-old. I need to nap about three hours after waking. Each nap lasts a minimum of five hours. I wake up in a cold sweat whenever I wake from a night's sleep or a nap, wondering why I'm still alive. At the very least I can take comfort in the fact that my body will decompose quickly.
I've been staving off a mental breakdown for I don't even know how long now. Once it hits, time becomes pretty irrelevant. So, here I am, batshit crazy, just got in a HUGE fight with the first guy who told me he liked me - which I accused him of pretending. That would be the guy referenced in the paragraph swearing off men with kids. He'd already taken me to a movie a few weeks ago, drove me home, and dumped me saying that I wasn't good enough for him and that he really didn't want to introduce me to his kid and/or family (parents, siblings, etc.). He says I'm too messy and that being messy only represented lack of self respect & shit. (I never told him I had self respect). He felt a bit guilty afterward I guess because then he started being all nice to me again. What the fuck? We were supposed to spend the entire day together today - he works out of town every other week and told me he'd be spending most of this week with his daughter. Fine, so I called today and he didn't bother answering. So I sent him a text saying maybe he was right and that I'm not worth his time. Then had a nap and slept through a couple of his attempts to call back.
Tonight he wrote me some kind of nasty email via Facebook and was chatting with me on there. Thanks a fucking lot. Something about him not being able to deal with me right now. It seems the more you need people in your life, the more excuses they find to ditch you. Then he even offered to drive me to the hospital - which couldn't have been entirely sincere since eventually he said he had to sleep and left. So yeah, while chatting with him, I finally broke down. I'd fallen asleep crying when I went down for my nap but now, I'm officially batshit crazy.
I honestly don't think men realize exactly what kind of impact they have on women. I have already come to the conclusion that they are not capable of love. It simply isn't possible for them. Even so, aside from just physically, they fuck women up. Badly. Then, they walk away as if nothing happened.
I fell in love with a man once. He called me a cum bucket.
I don't know what to do now at any rate. It seems whatever I do seems to get me into more trouble. I may just wander naked in the rain just so I can feel. I don't fucking know. What's the use in going to the hospital? I'm sure there are people in there bleeding to death who actually want to live. Last time I went, I waited well over 7 hours to be seen by a doc who gave me a stretcher in a hallway in the emergency room to sleep on for the night. That was pretty nice actually, save for all the pregnant women that were whizzed by me in wheelchairs periodically who were ready to drop spawn at any given moment. I wasn't even required to wake completely for the hourly blood pressure checks "just in case." Huh, I never did get my giant bottle of aceteminophin back. Well, that was the last time I went on my own.
There was an incident over a year ago when I decided to take a roadtrip to the mountains but they wouldn't take me. "They" being the mountains. The mountains didn't want me. So, I was taken by ambulance to a local hospital, then a not-so-local hospital where I was locked up in a tiny room for the night. I'd never been so scared in my life. I hated it there. Somehow I convinced the doc in the morning to let me go so I could leave that city. That city hates me, too, I'm convinced. Most of the people there do anyway. I mean, I just don't belong on this planet in general, but I think the people of that metropolis hate me more than those of my own (if I can call this "my" place).
I don't feel that anyone wants me here - here in this world. I'm not supposed to have enough money to survive on. I'm not supposed to enjoy life. I'm never going to amount to anything anyway. I know they aren't actually allowed to say so, but I'm convinced that everyone just wants me to die. I personally don't think that's such a bad idea. I mean, what's the point in living? I will never find love (men don't love), I'm destined to fail, the government won't give me the temporary assistance I need to get back on my feet (because I'm infertile and not a minority). I'm sick of slipping through the cracks into the great unknown. It never works to my advantage.
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