Last night the guy was online. He's still being an ass. I was sort of hopeful because I texted him using my pet name for him and he wasn't hostile or anything. Silly me.
I went to bed relatively early. I was fast asleep when 1:30am rolled around and my phone was tweeting at me. (The indication that I got a text message.) It was the same ol' "wanna fuck?" text that he's been trying for the past several weeks. I tried very hard to roll over and fall back asleep but I was furious. I replied, "already did. sleeping. interview tomorrow." Then he replied, "good 4 u." Not sure if he was being sincere or not but somehow doubting so I sent, "I try." A couple minutes later he texts, "well?" I told him not if he didn't care about me. He said he hasn't changed so I said "then I guess you've got your answer."
It pissed me off so badly that I actually got up and turned on the computer. I sent him another email. He wrote back (way too soon I might add) "sux2bu." Jerk. I replied at first thanking him for so thoughtfully answering back. Then added that it must really suck to be him. But since he was being an ass and I wrote a moderately sized email telling him what I felt, I was tired again and went back to sleep.
I was sort of pissy all day today since my sleep was so rudely interrupted. I made it to my interview fine and got the job. I was happy about that. I even texted him after to say so. I'm not sure why.
So I sent him another email today. I basically said that it was pretty clear that his defensiveness over me saying that I love him is obviously more deeply rooted than our relationship. He must have something else going on that has nothing to do with me. Maybe he had a bad experience in the past that he hasn't properly dealt with. I don't know. Anyhow, I know that until he resolves whatever internal conflict he happens to have with love, I don't stand a chance.
Basically, after doing some personal reflection of the situation, I determined that I'm not the problem. He'd said that I'm not like the girls he usually dates and I take that as a compliment. He called the last one a bitch and stupid so if I'm not like her that's a good thing. I was really hoping that maybe it would click in his mind that the reason is that I'm the one. Maybe that's reaching a bit. Still, I've seen guys who date lots of women and fuck around a lot and when they do settle down, it's because they found a girl different than all the rest. Someone who truly understood them and didn't put up with their shit. It's like a wake up call to these guys and they know that's the girl for them. Maybe this guy is pressing the snooze button because he's not quite ready to wake up yet.
At any rate, life is too short for all this bullshit. I've tried getting over this guy but he won't let me. He keeps coming back to me. I've decided to take a stand in order to preserve my own piece of mind and well-being and not just have casual sex with him. I love him. The sex was good because we both cared. If he insists now that he doesn't care, I can't and won't have sex with him.
I realize that he's either going to resolve whatever issues he's facing, swallow his pride, and admit that there's something there or he won't. As much as I hate the idea that he won't, I can't put myself through this shit anymore. It's frustrating. It sucks that I do love him and he insists on being an ass. (lol. In the email I told him that he's acting like an ass with hemorrhoids and that hopefully they go away soon.)
This whole love thing really sucks. Love is a great feeling but if it isn't returned or even accepted, it's the worst feeling in the world.
12 December 2009
10 December 2009
Calmer Waters
I had a horrible nightmare yesterday about the man that I love. It was very bizarre. In the dream, he was madly in love with an Asian girl. She was adorable but naturally I hated her because she stole the guy from me. He kept saying that he didn't think I was interested. I found out about this girl because I was reading a book and there was a piece of paper tucked into the cover - a note from her to him. It was all mushy and lovey-dovey and all the things he told me he hated about what I'd said. Apparently he liked her doing it. This made me hate her even more. I recall going to his friend's house, where he was staying, to confront him about it but he was kissing her goodbye. Somehow I snuck in the door behind him virtually unnoticed. I quietly crept to the couch and was lying on it while listening to the friends talking about this girl. It was making me very upset and I think he said he was going to marry her or something. Then the friend noticed me crying on the sofa and lifted it to dump me off. He told me to get out of his house and both he and the guy I love were looking at me with the most disdainful expressions on their faces. Then I woke up.
The dream was absolutely nuts and not really rooted in reality. I paid close attention to how I felt when I woke up. I missed the guy more than ever. My heart felt empty. I was left with the impression that if I didn't let him know that I am still interested that he'd take off and find someone else. It was a horrible feeling. It was in that moment that I realized just how much I still do care about him and want him in my life.
Last night before I went to bed, I unblocked him from my chat. So, now if I'm logged into it he can see that I'm online. If he wants he can start a conversation, too. I already told him that I was hesitant about communicating that way since that's how the major fight started. Oh well, I didn't notice him online at all today anyway.
The dream left me feeling that maybe I should ease up a little bit. So I sent him an email today offering an olive branch. I said that I want to go see a movie with him - which I have a coupon for - if he buys dinner first. Then we can take it to either my place or his. Seems fair enough. I told him to let me know if he doesn't want to so that I can go see the movie alone because I do want to see a particular movie, Invictus.
I really want to be able to have a comfortable relationship with him. I want us both to feel comfortable enough around each other that we can talk, go out, stay in, just enjoy life. My life is better with him in it - when he's not being an asshole. Of course, he likely thinks I'm being a bitch now so I guess we're even.
I sincerely love this guy. I could honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I'm going through some "growing pains" in terms of personal growth but if he can weather that we can get through anything. It would be good to have him there with me to believe in me and not let me give up on myself.
In any case, I hope the email does have some sort of positive result with him. I don't want to have a life without him but I want him to appreciate me.
The dream was absolutely nuts and not really rooted in reality. I paid close attention to how I felt when I woke up. I missed the guy more than ever. My heart felt empty. I was left with the impression that if I didn't let him know that I am still interested that he'd take off and find someone else. It was a horrible feeling. It was in that moment that I realized just how much I still do care about him and want him in my life.
Last night before I went to bed, I unblocked him from my chat. So, now if I'm logged into it he can see that I'm online. If he wants he can start a conversation, too. I already told him that I was hesitant about communicating that way since that's how the major fight started. Oh well, I didn't notice him online at all today anyway.
The dream left me feeling that maybe I should ease up a little bit. So I sent him an email today offering an olive branch. I said that I want to go see a movie with him - which I have a coupon for - if he buys dinner first. Then we can take it to either my place or his. Seems fair enough. I told him to let me know if he doesn't want to so that I can go see the movie alone because I do want to see a particular movie, Invictus.
I really want to be able to have a comfortable relationship with him. I want us both to feel comfortable enough around each other that we can talk, go out, stay in, just enjoy life. My life is better with him in it - when he's not being an asshole. Of course, he likely thinks I'm being a bitch now so I guess we're even.
I sincerely love this guy. I could honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I'm going through some "growing pains" in terms of personal growth but if he can weather that we can get through anything. It would be good to have him there with me to believe in me and not let me give up on myself.
In any case, I hope the email does have some sort of positive result with him. I don't want to have a life without him but I want him to appreciate me.
09 December 2009
Troubled Water?
I'll bet you know what song I'm listening to as I begin writing this blog entry.
I'm feeling pretty depressed. Just heavy-hearted, not good enough, disappointed that the one man I loved couldn't love me back, upset that I can't even manage to snag a seasonal retail job, and the list goes on and on.
I seriously thought I was doing reasonably well at getting over the guy. He sexted me again, I ignored it again, then I sent an email letting him know that he seriously hurt me by saying cruel things during an online chat argument. He doesn't seem to understand just what it meant to me when I said that I loved him. Love is seriously all I have and isn't something I just throw out there. I've never felt this way about anyone in my life. Crap, now the tears are starting.
Obviously I still do have deep feelings for him. I don't know what to believe out of all the things he said. At any rate, without an apology I can't see him again. I'm pretty sure it isn't coming. Of course deep down I really wish he would swallow his pride for a moment and surprise the hell out of me. I know he's got it in him. I also know the odds are not in my favour. I miss him every single day.
The rest of my life seems to be systematically falling apart. I've been working on things. I apply for jobs, usually get one interview out of each batch, then they hire someone else. Dealing with the government is so completely frustrating. The rules change daily. Only government employees get a copy of the rulebook and the updates. Trust me, I asked. Talk about a stacked game! So I've been getting enough to cover my rent plus $10 which is supposed to cover food, power, phone, clothes, and everything else. Yeah right. This month I spent the entire $10 on a single chocolate bar that didn't contain soy. I feel like Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory only the shiny gold wrapping doesn't qualify me to do anything special. My mom asked if I had any money and when I said no she gave me $20. I spent it on a bottle of Captain Morgan. Trust me, I needed it.
I'm not an alcoholic. I tried once but it just didn't work out. Way too much maintenance and it's expensive. Also, my grandparents hit the bottle pretty hard and that's pretty much what killed my grandpa at the age of 59. Still, I don't feel there's anything wrong with drowning my sorrows every now and then when nothing else seems to be working.
I can't seem to talk my doctor into giving me a letter for a medicinal marijuana card. She seems stuck on the fact that marijuana is illegal. I don't think she's even tried it - even as a young adult. In all honesty, it's the only thing that can properly treat a crying spell. If I can't stop crying, I only need a little bit and I'm good. It also gives me enough distance from my thoughts to digest them properly. I don't even really get the munchies, depending on the strain I end up with I guess. But considering that at times I'm practically anorexic, is that really such a bad thing? I'm not a pothead. I seriously only smoke up once in awhile. So it makes better financial sense, too.
I feel like such an overall failure. This is the first real shot at writing I've done in awhile. I want to write as a career. At the moment, I don't have much confidence overall much less in my writing. Yesterday I proofread a 22-page thesis for a random follower on Twitter. A thesis. Seriously, I have the ability to write well but can I get an important piece of paper from an accredited educational facility? NO. I feel stupid, though I know I'm not. However, I can't really prove it.
The clouds in my head are thick. I don't feel like I fit in to society as a whole. I can't get a job, I don't know how to get even the basics from the government - I don't even want to be on government assistance. I don't feel good enough for anything. I want to accomplish something in school but that doesn't seem to be happening for me. I'm not good enough for the one guy in the world that I love. I honestly don't want to live anymore at this time. It just feels like I don't belong on this earth.
Whenever I'm passionate about something, I'm told to calm down or shut up. No one wants me to have feelings or opinions. I'm supposed to just settle into the status quo somehow. I've come to loathe that. Maybe I'm not supposed to be here. So why the fuck am I? I can't answer that. All I know is that if/when I ever am near death, please leave me be.
I'm feeling pretty depressed. Just heavy-hearted, not good enough, disappointed that the one man I loved couldn't love me back, upset that I can't even manage to snag a seasonal retail job, and the list goes on and on.
I seriously thought I was doing reasonably well at getting over the guy. He sexted me again, I ignored it again, then I sent an email letting him know that he seriously hurt me by saying cruel things during an online chat argument. He doesn't seem to understand just what it meant to me when I said that I loved him. Love is seriously all I have and isn't something I just throw out there. I've never felt this way about anyone in my life. Crap, now the tears are starting.
Obviously I still do have deep feelings for him. I don't know what to believe out of all the things he said. At any rate, without an apology I can't see him again. I'm pretty sure it isn't coming. Of course deep down I really wish he would swallow his pride for a moment and surprise the hell out of me. I know he's got it in him. I also know the odds are not in my favour. I miss him every single day.
The rest of my life seems to be systematically falling apart. I've been working on things. I apply for jobs, usually get one interview out of each batch, then they hire someone else. Dealing with the government is so completely frustrating. The rules change daily. Only government employees get a copy of the rulebook and the updates. Trust me, I asked. Talk about a stacked game! So I've been getting enough to cover my rent plus $10 which is supposed to cover food, power, phone, clothes, and everything else. Yeah right. This month I spent the entire $10 on a single chocolate bar that didn't contain soy. I feel like Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory only the shiny gold wrapping doesn't qualify me to do anything special. My mom asked if I had any money and when I said no she gave me $20. I spent it on a bottle of Captain Morgan. Trust me, I needed it.
I'm not an alcoholic. I tried once but it just didn't work out. Way too much maintenance and it's expensive. Also, my grandparents hit the bottle pretty hard and that's pretty much what killed my grandpa at the age of 59. Still, I don't feel there's anything wrong with drowning my sorrows every now and then when nothing else seems to be working.
I can't seem to talk my doctor into giving me a letter for a medicinal marijuana card. She seems stuck on the fact that marijuana is illegal. I don't think she's even tried it - even as a young adult. In all honesty, it's the only thing that can properly treat a crying spell. If I can't stop crying, I only need a little bit and I'm good. It also gives me enough distance from my thoughts to digest them properly. I don't even really get the munchies, depending on the strain I end up with I guess. But considering that at times I'm practically anorexic, is that really such a bad thing? I'm not a pothead. I seriously only smoke up once in awhile. So it makes better financial sense, too.
I feel like such an overall failure. This is the first real shot at writing I've done in awhile. I want to write as a career. At the moment, I don't have much confidence overall much less in my writing. Yesterday I proofread a 22-page thesis for a random follower on Twitter. A thesis. Seriously, I have the ability to write well but can I get an important piece of paper from an accredited educational facility? NO. I feel stupid, though I know I'm not. However, I can't really prove it.
The clouds in my head are thick. I don't feel like I fit in to society as a whole. I can't get a job, I don't know how to get even the basics from the government - I don't even want to be on government assistance. I don't feel good enough for anything. I want to accomplish something in school but that doesn't seem to be happening for me. I'm not good enough for the one guy in the world that I love. I honestly don't want to live anymore at this time. It just feels like I don't belong on this earth.
Whenever I'm passionate about something, I'm told to calm down or shut up. No one wants me to have feelings or opinions. I'm supposed to just settle into the status quo somehow. I've come to loathe that. Maybe I'm not supposed to be here. So why the fuck am I? I can't answer that. All I know is that if/when I ever am near death, please leave me be.
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